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Identifying Old Patterns through Self-Observation

Experience submitted by Sofios

My mum needed to have surgery on her knee and her recovery was going to be slow. I arranged to take some leave from work to be with my mum for a considerable period, to help her while recovering.

She and my dad are retired and getting on in age, each with their own medical issues. Dad needs looking after as well, so going down just prior to mum’s operation was the best solution.

Being with dad was going to be a challenge I recall thinking to myself — “me spending time with him after so many years of living away from home, I wonder how it will go?

Luckily, knowing and having practised the work of Belsebuub gave me re-assurance that I could do this, I would need to be more aware of my interactions with my dad and avoid getting caught up and hooked with the mind games that once were part of our relationship.

After the first week of being with my dad, while mum was in hospital recovering, it seemed he and I got on well. When mum got home, he started to ask me to do all sorts of stuff around the house, such as gardening, cleaning the gutters, cleaning out the shed.

This reminded me of what it was like when I was growing up. He never asked my siblings to help him do things, only me, which used to frustrate me. Well, it seems a week into my stay, this old pattern resurfaced.

This time however, I had a range of tools, strategies and techniques that I have learnt through Belsebuub’s work (his courses and books) to fortify myself. With techniques such as self-observation, and awareness (as well as the knowledge about egos), I could approach these interactions differently, I could gauge my own internal state, recognise the internal drive and do something about it.

When I felt any egos being stirred up from our interactions, I had alternatives I could apply. Instead of ‘reacting’, getting frustrated or walking away feeling angry towards him, I would use self-observation to help guide me towards a more intuitive response.

For example, I felt comfortable enough to simply say to my dad that it was more of a priority that I focus my energy and efforts into looking after both of them than to be doing general maintenance around the house. This took a big effort on my part as speaking to my dad has been one of my weaknesses.

Going through these situations and interactions with him gave me strength to deal with my own internal turmoil but to also stay focused on the primary reason/purpose for me being with them. And, to my surprise, he seemed to accept my responses.

Over the few weeks I spent time around my parents, especially my dad, I was able to see a different side of our relationship. I felt closer to him as though I was building a relationship with him as an adult, rather than a ‘father-child’ relationship.

I got to hear many stories about his life and the challenges he faced growing up. I enjoyed hearing about these as it gave me more insight about him as a person, from an adult perspective. These stories are ones that I never recalled hearing when growing up.

I now have a better understanding on who my father is deep down as a result of spending time with him during this period. I also noticed that because my relationship with my dad somewhat improved, my mum also benefited from this. She felt more at ease and enjoyed the peaceful, relaxed interactions and conversations we could have as a family unit.

I attribute the possibility of being able to have better relationships with my parents to Belsebuub’s work on how to improve one’s self by recognising and work on inner states, because I now have the means to change old patterns, habits, ego states and to enjoy better relationships.

  • I can relate to your experience Sofios. I found quite beneficial to get to know my parents better every time I meet them. That helps my research about myself a lot since many inner states were developed when I was younger and living with them because of my interaction with them. It’s also the so many characteristics I’ve got from them and I might carry with me a whole life. Talking with them I can find these similarities and where they are coming from for them.
    It’s great that you find the way out at your situation and your relationship with them was improved. It’s not easy but quite beneficial.

    Thank you for sharing it.

    • That’s an interesting approach Fotis. Seeing there can be some valuable information there, so deciding to endeavour to get to know your parents better. Will try to keep that in mind next time.

      I found it interesting to realise that now I’m also an adult 🙂 Just like my parents. And to see the ways of interaction changing. As well as seeing them as another person, not strictly as parents.

  • Thanks for sharing Sofios,it is so good to have a good relationship with family
    and friends but that is only possible if our own relationship is healthy and self knowledge
    helps this so much.

  • It’s wonderful how learning about ourselves gives us the power to truly change things in our lives. It was really nice reading about your experience, and inspiring too. Thank you for sharing it.

  • Hi Sofios,

    thanks for sharing how you used the self-knowledge tools to improve the way responded to your father, and how that had a ripple-effect through your family.
    I can relate to the shift in the way you saw your dad when you started to get to know more about him as a person, rather than just your dad. I think this can be a really important stage in the development of that formative relationship. It seems there’s a lot of room for forgiveness and acceptance when we start to see our parents as just people too, doing their best; understanding more about why they did certain things and what the forces were in their lives impacting them. I know that getting to the age my parents were when they had me was that time for me, but also that I sensed it opened this space for more discord to grow, as the intellect starts to analyse and judge another, combined with the very powerful emotions that I think are unique to the parent-child bond. I also feel like the methods of self-knowledge I’ve learned through Belsebuub have basically saved these family relationships from serious problems!

    Wishing you ever more harmony and understanding between you and your friends and family!

  • Hi Sofios,
    It seems that some family relationships can be challenging at times. It great that you were able to use the tools Belsebuub has given, to break out of those old habits and find a new perspective!
    Thanks for sharing.

  • That was a great effort to put the keys of work into actions, Sofios, thanks for sharing!

    It is very related to the sense we have of the role of the very close people to us and what we have to learn by this interaction. And as this cosmic plan of creation is not random, I feel that we have to ‘extract’ what is best in this reciprocal action. Usually, my big egos are triggered under these situations and checking my internal state too is a good indicator of what is more to be done.

  • It does seem to be part of the process for each person endeavoring to learn about themselves; to at some point, or many points, return to those close relationships with family members in order to dig up what was created thereb in our youth. An opportunity to see (with those tools you mention) understand and overcome those strong patterns of interaction.

    You seem to have done this very well Sofios, how nice that must’ve been. I like how you seemed to ‘go in’ in a prepared and focused way. I think that can create a big difference in how things will transpire internally, compared to just letting things come our way. As the wave of these old subconcious ways can be powerful enough to knock us out.

    All in all an inspiring case that is good to remember when facing such situations.

  • Hi Sofios,

    I really enjoyed reading your experience. I’ve seen how easy it is to fall into that ‘relatives’ pattern, but it’s actually so rewarding if I’m able to approach those interactions in a bit more open state seeing the other person as a person and not as this and this relative. It also helps them to come out of their ‘role’ and show another side. Just like it happened with your father.

    Wish you all the best!

  • This is quite an inspiring account of using the inner work to better relationships. Thank you for sharing, Sofios.

    I’ve always found time with family to be particularly challenging, but what you described sounded not only profitable internally, but also enjoyable.

    That being able to relate to your parents as an adult is quite a remarkable feeling. It’s such a different perspective to see our parents more as peers, as people going through life, rather than as simply one-dimensional parents…

  • Thanks for sharing your experience Sofios. Parent-child relationships are probably among the oldest and closest relationships for many of us, so a lot of habitual ways of acting can develop over time. But it’s really good that you were able to break away from the habitual behaviours of the past, to not only create a more relaxed and comfortable family environment, but to also uncover a new depth in your relationship with your dad.

    It’s a good example of applying the techniques for self-knowledge in the everyday situations of life.

About Belsebuub

Prior to withdrawing from public life in 2010, author Belsebuub had written several books and many articles on the topic of self-discovery. Read more

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