A Bad Morning for Seemingly No Reason
One morning after a solid night’s sleep, I woke up feeling well-rested, but not in the best spirits: as I went about my morning routine eating breakfast and making a smoothie, I just felt negative about the whole day ahead. Nothing had happened that should provoke such negativity, but I really felt low, maybe a little sad, and it was a hard thing to shake.
Before heading out for the day, I did a brief meditation exercise to center myself in the present moment, and I set myself some inner goals in the day in not letting the negativity win. I also prayed for help to not carry that darkness with me during the day. Actually, I think I was asking more to not have to deal with the negativity at all, like I was wishing for it to just go away, without my having to face it. That wish wasn’t granted, however.
As I ventured outside to run some errands and go to work, I observed that even the smallest obstacles seemed to defeat me psychologically…
When I was stopping to pick up my lunch, I was headed for a free checkout stand but two people made it there just a second ahead of me and suddenly I had to wait. I felt so wronged. Then, as I stopped to get a coffee at a local coffee shop, the credit card machine malfunctioned and I had to swipe my card a second time. In that instant, I observed a feeling of sadness and dejection come upon me, like the whole world was against me…
Fortunately, both these experiences and the associated negative states only lasted a split second because I was exploring the practice of self-observation I had learned from Belsebuub’s work, and I quickly broke clear of the reactions, but I was still quite concerned to see such trivial circumstances bringing about such disproportionately strong reactions within me.
The Rest of the Day: More of the Same
En route to work, everyone I saw seemed to look at me the wrong way or get in my way. And at work, I found myself reacting quite angrily when my code (I was doing programming that day) didn’t work.
But it wasn’t just anger, there was also this sense of defeat that seemed to go along with the anger, much like with the “credit card incident” at the coffee shop.
Seeing myself in this state, I again asked for help and strength internally to be more grounded, and worked a while longer. When I finally did get home, I really needed some answers, so I turned to a meditation on an ego exercise.
The Meditation
During this particular meditation technique, there was a phase of the exercise where I was trying to serenely observe my own thoughts, without getting carried away by them, and trying to see where they originated from. Interestingly, I noticed a lot of fear, with many worries related to work. This was useful to observe.
Later on in my meditation, I saw a common thread throughout my experiences I had mostly been oblivious to beforehand: I was under a lot of stress at work, putting me in a state of perpetually feeling rushed and under a time-crunch. The result was a persistent feeling of defeat that followed me around throughout all my daily activities.
Through further meditation, I could also see how this state of mind was intimately connected to the seemingly unmotivated negative reactions I was observing throughout the day. The end result of this was that I better understood what was going on behind the scenes and had a new emotional pattern to study and work to overcome.
Thank you Mike for sharing your experiences. It’s a common sense of negativity some certain days of month, as many commented.
The feelings and thoughts you mentioned are very familiar to me when I am in a similar negativity situation.
With patience and without leaving these negative emotions and thoughts to dominate your actions, you can overcome these internal situations.
What a helpful discussion everyone. I appreciate the comments, insights and understanding people have shared from their personal experience in looking into and understanding themselves.
There were lots of points that I can relate to and lots of new insights that help to unfold my own learning and understanding.
Mike thank you for starting this discussion with your experience from how it began, what you did and the learning you shared from it all. Very heartfelt and helpful to learn from you and your sincere helpful inspiration through your comments.
Maia’s comments also stood out for me, as it expanded on something I’ve been bouncing off a brick wall with in regards to a particularly strong ego for many years. I was given a moment of help that showed me what was underneath this strong inner state. This ego had always appeared in a certain way and I battled with this particular view of it never being able to really reduce it. I was shown how this ego was founded upon another ego and that this other ego was the foundation of the one I had not been able to overcome. When I saw this aspect, it was a like a door had been opened for me instead of the wall I kept pushing up against. I know that this was a help that came as divine guidance because on my own it was feeling like virtually impossible to see this ego as my light was dim and I couldn’t make it out, seeing only the outward manifestations of it, but never being able to see what was behind it. The new perspective and understanding has helped me to overcome those smaller manifestations and also inspired a new hope in me to looking to understand it, and what other emotions, thoughts, beliefs and ideas this underlying ego may be behind.
Just being able to make an in road is only a beginning to learning and overcoming this inner state but it is a huge help to actually start to make a way though. Like Maia said lots of challenges, and perhaps twists and turns ahead, re-evaluation and looking in areas that are still to reveal themselves.
What a beautiful discovery, Layla. It’s such a gift to be able to understand a difficult ego, or to get insights into how it works or what lies beneath it. Your story is a very inspiring account of how important hard work and persistence are when facing the egos.
I’m sure a lot of us can relate (at least I can) to dealing with an ego for a long period of time, seemingly unable to noticeably reduce it. And it’s really easy to be dejected or to somehow “accept” the ego as being inevitable. But knowing that with hard work, those insights can come to us and that we can make deeper progress, is really inspiring.
Wishing you many more profound insights, Layla!
Thanks for sharing that Layla. I’ve also noticed how certain strong egos can work alongside each other, resulting in states of misery. I recently saw how connected one strong ego is with another particular ego.
I’m glad to hear that you were able to make real progress against that troublesome ego, with divine help. I also had a situation earlier in the year when an ego was becoming very strong, but after meditating upon it, I gained some real insights into how it functioned, which reduced its grip upon me considerably.
I wish you success in gaining further strength and insight!
Thank you Mike and Michael for your warm wishes, I hope we can all remember to keep making inroads and learning from what life puts to us.
Here is a snippet from a longer video of Belsebuub speaking about learning about ourselves through difficulties we face in life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_I_mhzfAn3E Such a valuable message to really get into knowing and doing.
Thanks for sharing that video link Layla. Belsebuub gives a lot of very sound advice in it.
Thank you, Mike and everyone, for sharing all these preoccupations. Recently I felt too that some patterns had to be examined again because of their impact and this mysterious feeling of seeing that something was hidden behind a very special ego state without perceiving it fully.
During this effort, I was helped to realize that I should never underestimate an ego because it has many layers and faces. It was important for me to see and distinguish between two things.
The first was when not much work has been done on an ego. The second was the opposite; when we ask for its removal and work meticulously with the techniques that Mark has mentioned in his work. In each case, we can see different ways of expression or ”symptoms” in our centers but under another view.
Unrefined/raw or not, they still carry on some patterns but in the second case, I realized that they can also change their presence, having the feeling that it isn’t the ego we are ”chasing” but another one.
That was the nature of the ego state I was examining, and I was surprised to see how ”it was unfolding”.
Lately, I am trying to start differently my day because I see how important is to apply the elimination on that special ego which was hiding there. I see that it can affect the clearness of mind on a big scale, and how a solid state is important for next (many times challenging) steps during the day.
After all, this process is a long one, and I share Michael’s opinion keeping hold onto the faith that there is always hope if we keep moving forwards even times are really tough.
Thanks for your comment, Maia. I can definitely related to that point on seeing the ego express itself in different ways, even in more subtle ways as we work to remove it. There are really so many layers to the egos and as you mentioned, we should never underestimate them! I wish you lots of strength and breakthroughs with studying and removing egos!
Yes, I’ve noticed the same thing Maia. The egos have many different aspects to them and removing them can be a long process. I’m making efforts to meditate on a particular ego daily, as although I’ve been observing it consistently for some time, it still has aspects that I need to uncover, in order to break free of its grip.
I think your attitude of starting the day with the intent of working on a particular troublesome ego can be beneficial and wish you success in gaining understanding and strength to fight against the particular ego that you’re currently working on reducing.
I can relate so well to a lot of what you felt during that day Mike. Getting up in the morning to a beautiful day but the first thing, just feeling miserable about it all. Being aware that it’s a pattern I vaguely recognize from the past, this mechanism of the stream of negative thoughts and emotions that starts operating, but not seeing the reasons of it more deeply.
I like how you said you prayed for help not to carry it within you during the day. Some states like that really stick to you for as long as possible but in clear moments I can see how then I can go around generating this unpleasant vibration that affects others around me, and I really don’t want that!
A particular time in my life came to mind when I was under a lot of stress in various different ways, where even a thought of something that I needed to do would cause a surge of negativity internally. So it’s interesting and really inspiring actually that you were able to connect those things and get deeper into the causes of the needless reactions to the small things and see where it all originated. It must have been liberating.
Thanks a lot for writing about it as it inspires me to go deeper into studying such patterns and get free from them. Because sometimes I feel dejected that something is too strong or pervasive and I can’t understand or get a grip on it and that makes me try less. But reading about how you kept going and praying and meditating until you could see deeper is very helpful.
I can relate to some of the things you mentioned here Laura, as my mood can be easily influenced by changes in my environment, such as the weather. During the darker months, I noticed this feeling of negativity upon waking up, as I expected another grey day, which I wanted to escape. So I made a habit of always praying to my divine mother upon waking up, so that I would have better guidance and strength to accept whatever the day brings.
I think getting into the deeper causes and subtle connections between negative inner states is very important. I did a long meditation on an ego a few months back to look more deeply into some anxieties that came up somewhat unexpectedly, but which were growing strong. The state of anxiety developed its own momentum quickly and made everyday situations very unpleasant. But during the meditation, I was able to see so many connections with fears from the past, going right back to early childhood. It was an informative practice and after that, the big manifestations of anxiety that I’d previously been oppressed by seemed to just disappear.
I’ve also been trying to work on reducing my response to my external environment by taking the opportunity to boost my awareness in nature or in spiritual practices, as well as asking for help to better understand how these internal reactions function. Boosting the awareness has allowed me to continue that awareness once the practice finishes and to better observe inner states and their effect upon me. I have also meditated on my reaction to my environment and seen various connections with unpleasant situations from the past. I feel I’m gradually making progress with it, but that now is the time to look more deeply into it, so that its influence over me can be more significantly reduced.
I can relate to what you said about feeling overwhelmed by emotions that seem so powerful within us. It can seem like we’ll never break free of them, particularly if they go on for an extended period of time. But I can see a big difference from when I was experiencing those very strong states of anxiety, which seemed to take over, compared with my current situation, where I still face minor anxieties of daily life from time to time, but they are much easier to deal with and move on from.
It’s much nicer to be able to observe an inner state for a few minutes and ask for its removal, compared with an emotion that just lingers on for months or even years. I know that I wouldn’t have been able to have reduced some very strong egos without divine help and we really have a gift in the help that is available to us from our divine parents.
I wish you a lot of strength and guidance in understanding and breaking free from some of the negative patterns from the past. I think it’s important to keep holding onto the faith that significant change is possible, even when the egos are trying to use every trick in the book to convince us otherwise. If we can already see improvements within ourselves, however small they may be, it can give us the knowledge that further change is possible. Then if we continue to consistently apply the techniques for change, the bigger changes we strive for can become a reality.
It can be hard to keep hold of this faith when times are really tough, but if we keep moving forwards, there is always hope.
Thanks for your comments, Michael and Laura. It is really amazing that we actually can overcome strong and persistent emotional states, because very often it feels impossible when first facing them.
I think something that helped me, Laura, was that however strong the negative states were, I still had some minuscule sense of detachment from them, perhaps through the morning prayer in asking for help. Although it should be and I wish it were, I can’t say that day is representative of my normal way of dealing with negativity…
When you described those moments of clarity, that reminds me of many days I’ve had where low states have taken over. But somehow I get glimpses of life outside of those states, like when I go outside and feel a cool breeze or see a tree – in those moments there’s a small glimmer of peace before I get taken back to being low. If only I could make use of those moments to ground myself and not get taken away again.
Thanks for the motivation, Michael: “if we keep moving forwards, there is always hope.” It’s actually so important to remember because otherwise it all seems impossible and insurmountable. But we can take it one step at a time, even when times are really tough.
Yes, that’s right Mike. We can still take one step at a time, even when the going is really tough. It reminds me of the character of Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption, crawling through a putrid sewer, in order to find freedom. The story is quite a nice analogy for persistence, as he could have given in to the situation of unjust imprisonment and been completely overwhelmed by it, but instead he made efforts day by day to find a way out, using the only tools that were available to him (digging a tunnel by starting with a teaspoon), even though he knew it would take a long time to make significant progress.
I can relate to what you mentioned about how valuable those beautiful moments of awareness can be in bringing us out of lower states. I find it challenging being in environments where there is little sunlight, but when the sun returns it can give me a boost instantly and breathe new life into everything around me. Then it’s a joy to spend time in awareness in nature. Like Andy Dufresne, I think it will take a long time for me to gain this sense of freedom in the long term, but the prospect of gaining it gives me the motivation to keep persisting and trusting in the divine that if I make the efforts to move forwards in the correct direction, then lasting change will gradually take place.
What you describe is something that must be experienced by most people at some point (or for some a lot) in their lives. Some even being driven to burnout or depression. Yet the way you made the effort, through prayer, self-observation and meditation, to find out what’s going on is something that’s in fact very amazing. So fortunate to have those techniques that Belsebuub has given, so we can such things in our lives and in ourselves!
What you describe, that feeling, that state of mind and situation is actually something I’ve also been looking into a lot. It feels amazing when we start seeing the principles of how these things work in our psyche, and the more we recognize the more we are able to not feed such patterns. Then we can start directing that energy more efficiently towards awareness and our true goals.
Wishing you all the best in unravelling the rest of causes and triggers Mike :-)!
We are indeed very fortunate to have these techniques. Being able to free ourselves of negative patterns is such a remarkable thing.
As this process takes place, I’m often struck by how deep self-knowledge can go, seemingly limitless. Not every day is as fruitful as being able to see a pattern and break out of it, but given how much knowledge can be gleaned in just a single day with the right efforts, it boggles the mind to consider a lifetime of such work, and understanding all states of the psyche to their very core…
Much strength to you, Karim!
Thanks for sharing your observations here Mike. I can relate to the scenario you described, where a low mood at the start of the day can escalate to create a cloudy perception throughout the rest of the day. The situations where you reacted with irritation are also familiar. I’ve seen the same thing within myself, where I’ve been feeling down, then minor mishaps can create a disproportionate reaction. For example, if I already feel more balanced and accidentally drop something on the floor or knock something over, it’s no big deal. But if I already have a feeling of dissatisfaction bubbling under the surface throughout the day, it can create an angry response.
In a related vein, I was reading a psychology book by the writer Colin Wilson some years ago, in which he explored his interest in the nature of consciousness. The book has a fairly intellectual focus overall, but in one chapter he gave an analogy, in which he compared the conscious mind to Oliver Hardy and the subconscious to Stan Laurel, who always overreacts to whatever situation he is in.
I have also struggled with the feeling of frustration that can arise when it seems there is so much to be done, but so little time to do it. This can blow even a small inconvenience out of proportion and bring up reactions that are quite disproportionate in comparison with the event. I can also relate to the interaction between the different emotions that you mentioned. I think in my case, there has also been some anxiety underlying this frustration, as there is the feeling of being trapped by circumstances, which would require big efforts to change, but also feeling the time-crunch you mentioned.
I’ve tried to detach from these pressures recently and to understand that there are only so many hours in each day, so not everything can be done in one go. I guess it’s similar to the old story of the tortoise and the hare isn’t it? We could put in a flurry of activity into something, then quickly have our focus replaced by other interests. Or we could make consistent, regular efforts daily, which builds up a cumulative effect.
It seems you learnt a lot from the meditation on an ego practice and you’ve inspired me to investigate these inner states more thoroughly within myself. Thanks and good luck with your ongoing investigations! There is always so much to learn about ourselves.
When I read about you waking up in this state, I remembered myself in similar or opposite situations when I wake up in good mood. Looking into it I saw that I’m carrying as you said the heavy emotions of the day before but also what occurred during the night. Even in the case, I don’t remember much of the night how I go to bed and what’s happening in the astral I think have an impact on me and I pray beforehand for that.
I give a thump up for how you worked thing out in your case and definitely helped me to see my daily routine more closely and like a scene of learning than a passing movie.
Breaking things down looks like, also from your case, is very helpful and taking them out from the mind and see what’s going on a more straightforward way. What a relief eh?
I found difficult though to change things, like I’m on a speedy route and I only can correct my orientation here and there, but definitely not to stop or going totally different way.
Thanks for sharing Mike!
Yes, it’s quite amazing how much of the energy from the day or night before we can carry with us into the next day. This is especially destructive when there are strong negative emotions, worries, frustrations, etc., that stick with us.
There seems to be a massive benefit to carefully reflecting on an inner state in a detached state of mind. It was a huge relief, yes! No wonder meditation has been practiced for millennia!
I feel the same way as you describe, Fotis. I wish my observation were more continuous throughout the day. I seem to only remember myself at intervals, making small corrections, and then “falling asleep”. There is something to be said for being persistent, though, and building momentum. It’s a hard thing to get started but I find as I push past obstacles and make some small breakthroughs, the ability to catch egos and come back to awareness gets stronger. Very slowly, but it builds.
Wishing you many insights in your meditations and self-observation!
Yes, that persistence during the day is very important Mike. I’ve recently been making greater efforts to practice awareness during the day and to feed the consciousness with spiritual practices or spending time in nature.
I’ve found that although there can be inner states that cloud my perception, the continued focus helps to build up an inner strength. Sometimes I feel disappointed to not have this clarity all the time, but of course that is also an ego state that needs to be removed, in order to perceive the present moment clearly.
So even if a practice doesn’t give me the immediate sense of awareness that I’m looking for, the effects afterwards can still be felt and further developed. Then once the awareness is stronger, it can be very enjoyable. A much nicer way of living than when trapped in the egos.
I can really relate to your experience Mike and just like you with self observation
and meditation on an ego changes everything.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for the comment, David. I hope you’re doing well!