When I first took the course on self-knowledge by Belsebuub, I had at first a hard time understanding how my consciousness and my thoughts and emotions were not necessarily of the same origins. While it made sense intellectually that egos such as greed, anger, jealousy and so forth were the opposites of conscious emotions such as care, love and compassion, it was hard for me to fully grasp how they differed in their source.
That is until several weeks in the course, I had an amazing breakthrough.
How My Reflection Provided Some Insights
It all happened on a drive from San Francisco down to Los Angeles, to visit my partner’s relatives. My partner and I had had a slight disagreement earlier in the day and so I felt a bit unsettled.
With several hours of a road trip ahead, I thought I might as well try to use this time and see what I could learn about this situation. I was in the passenger seat, and had my face resting against the window.
Bringing myself into the present moment, and using awareness, I started to observe my thoughts and the world around me. As we were travelling down the highway, the scenery could be quite monotonous, and something made me focus on my reflection in the window.
As my thoughts changed one after the other, my face would take on various looks, and seeing my face change according to my thoughts was interesting to say the least.
It was like watching a movie, being able to be this silent observer yet watching my own movie, my self, and seeing all these thoughts, emotions and faces come one after the other was telling quite a story.
As I watched the thoughts of some memories come up, they would in turn invoke a different response within me. But not only that, I also saw in the reflection in the window how my face was changing from a calm one to a tense one, from a smile to a thrown, from a worried face back to a smile, and so forth. It was not even subtle – it was almost quite grotesque actually.
And as I continued to observe my internal world and my external world, I could feel how some of these thoughts, especially the negative ones (worries, self-deprecation) were making me feel tired, drained, even sleepy.
I could not have asked for a better picture of the illustration of what was happening within me, and it felt like such a breakthrough.
Right there, from simply trying out what I had learned in the course by Belsebuub (using awareness and self-observation), I saw the egos in action, how they affected me physically and emotionally, and how they tried to keep bringing up the earlier situation to create more problems.
It seems that being able to see my reflection in the window enabled me to get a grasp and better understand how it all worked.
And all of a sudden what Belsebuub had talked about, how the egos are not part of us, but come within us, use our energies and then leave to make place for another ego just all made sense.
I was seeing it happen right there in front of my eyes. I was able to observe them – it was almost like seeing animals coming to a feast, one after the other – none of them having a care for the food provided, but just coming to take as much as they could: my own energy.
And when I tried to bring myself back to the moment, concentrate on what was happening around me, being able to be here and not give into the thoughts, I could see myself relax. My face would loose this tensed look I would have had earlier on, my shoulders would no longer feel so tight and so forth. I was a complete different feeling of being.
But soon after, I would see the egos starting to come back in – it felt like a constant battle between the two: Being taken away, seeing my face change to coming back to the moment and being aware and feeling relaxed.
It was an amazing breakthrough to be able to see the results between the two states – to be able to see so clearly how my thoughts would change from a happy one, to a sad one, in the matter of seconds, how it physically and mentally affected me at the same time.
I could now see how there was a different feel to each, and how one state felt more like me, like I was in control (my consciousness, when I was aware, and observing) than when in a sense I would give up that control, and lose my awareness of me and how this constantly changing face would then emerge with those different feelings..
This is one of the experiences that made me realize how the egos were not the real me, and how they were instead coming and going, working together to feed off one after another, bringing about anxiety followed by fear, but then how anger could take over and such. It was like relay between them so to speak.
It showed me how impactful the egos were not only mentally, but also physically, and how my body reacted to them but also more importantly that they were not me – that the real me was the one observing them, being able to see them for what they were.
At the time, I did not know yet the elimination technique, so all I could was to see them, interact with one another – but it was such an amazing learning experience.
It showed me that when I did use the techniques on self-knowledge that Belsebuub writes about, I could indeed learn about myself in ways I had never thought possible before.
In the end, being able to observe them as much as I did, did help to become more detached to the situation that had started earlier in the day.
It provided me with a bit of understanding toward my own reactions, more patience and more care – I did not want to go along with what I had seen and suffer and make others suffer through my own misery. And by using awareness to bring myself back, I was able to feel more centered and less driven by my egos and not as resentful. It was definitely one of the most interesting drive I made to L.A.