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A Breakthrough About Understanding My Egos

Experience submitted by Geraldine Price
Experience submitted by Geraldine Price

When I first took the course on self-knowledge by Belsebuub, I had at first a hard time understanding how my consciousness and my thoughts and emotions were not necessarily of the same origins. While it made sense intellectually that egos such as greed, anger, jealousy and so forth were the opposites of conscious emotions such as care, love and compassion, it was hard for me to fully grasp how they differed in their source.

That is until several weeks in the course, I had an amazing breakthrough.

How My Reflection Provided Some Insights

It all happened on a drive from San Francisco down to Los Angeles, to visit my partner’s relatives. My partner and I had had a slight disagreement earlier in the day and so I felt a bit unsettled.

With several hours of a road trip ahead, I thought I might as well try to use this time and see what I could learn about this situation. I was in the passenger seat, and had my face resting against the window.

Bringing myself into the present moment, and using awareness, I started to observe my thoughts and the world around me. As we were travelling down the highway, the scenery could be quite monotonous, and something made me focus on my reflection in the window.

looking-into-window-pexels
Public domain photo found on Unsplash (image has been modified)

As my thoughts changed one after the other, my face would take on various looks, and seeing my face change according to my thoughts was interesting to say the least.

It was like watching a movie, being able to be this silent observer yet watching my own movie, my self, and seeing all these thoughts, emotions and faces come one after the other was telling quite a story.

As I watched the thoughts of some memories come up, they would in turn invoke a different response within me. But not only that, I also saw in the reflection in the window how my face was changing from a calm one to a tense one, from a smile to a thrown, from a worried face back to a smile, and so forth. It was not even subtle – it was almost quite grotesque actually.

And as I continued to observe my internal world and my external world, I could feel how some of these thoughts, especially the negative ones (worries, self-deprecation) were making me feel tired, drained, even sleepy.

I could not have asked for a better picture of the illustration of what was happening within me, and it felt like such a breakthrough.

Right there, from simply trying out what I had learned in the course by Belsebuub (using awareness and self-observation), I saw the egos in action, how they affected me physically and emotionally, and how they tried to keep bringing up the earlier situation to create more problems.

It seems that being able to see my reflection in the window enabled me to get a grasp and better understand how it all worked.

And all of a sudden what Belsebuub had talked about, how the egos are not part of us, but come within us, use our energies and then leave to make place for another ego just all made sense.

I was seeing it happen right there in front of my eyes. I was able to observe them – it was almost like seeing animals coming to a feast, one after the other – none of them having a care for the food provided, but just coming to take as much as they could: my own energy.

And when I tried to bring myself back to the moment, concentrate on what was happening around me, being able to be here and not give into the thoughts, I could see myself relax. My face would loose this tensed look I would have had earlier on, my shoulders would no longer feel so tight and so forth. I was a complete different feeling of being.

But soon after, I would see the egos starting to come back in – it felt like a constant battle between the two: Being taken away, seeing my face change to coming back to the moment and being aware and feeling relaxed.

It was an amazing breakthrough to be able to see the results between the two states – to be able to see so clearly how my thoughts would change from a happy one, to a sad one, in the matter of seconds, how it physically and mentally affected me at the same time.

I could now see how there was a different feel to each, and how one state felt more like me, like I was in control (my consciousness, when I was aware, and observing) than when in a sense I would give up that control, and lose my awareness of me and how this constantly changing face would then emerge with those different feelings..

This is one of the experiences that made me realize how the egos were not the real me, and how they were instead coming and going, working together to feed off one after another, bringing about anxiety followed by fear, but then how anger could take over and such. It was like relay between them so to speak.

It showed me how impactful the egos were not only mentally, but also physically, and how my body reacted to them but also more importantly that they were not me – that the real me was the one observing them, being able to see them for what they were.

At the time, I did not know yet the elimination technique, so all I could was to see them, interact with one another – but it was such an amazing learning experience.

It showed me that when I did use the techniques on self-knowledge that Belsebuub writes about, I could indeed learn about myself in ways I had never thought possible before.

In the end, being able to observe them as much as I did, did help to become more detached to the situation that had started earlier in the day.

It provided me with a bit of understanding toward my own reactions, more patience and more care – I did not want to go along with what I had seen and suffer and make others suffer through my own misery. And by using awareness to bring myself back, I was able to feel more centered and less driven by my egos and not as resentful.  It was definitely one of the most interesting drive I made to L.A.

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34 comments
  • What an interesting experience Geraldine, and to be able to see your own face during the ego rush hour seems to have been quite a tangible experience of the ego states that normally are masked within that feeling of me mine and I. Its also quite amazing how we get this very personal and touching help to learn about the consciousness and the egos that is just so tailor made to us by our own divine being. Its these insights, help and loving kindness that makes me realise that I truly need to be more thankful for this guidance and help of understanding when it happens in the way that I need it.

    With vanity comes a lot of looking in the mirror and I used to see a lot of ugliness in my reflection growing up, and beyond the teenage melodramatic visions, that not even make up could mask and not even putting on a happy face would shift this ugliness that had set in. One day, and this was about two years after taking up Belsebuub’s self discovery course, I was getting ready to go to work and I looked in the mirror, and to my surprise I saw softness, beauty and happiness – this was the first time I saw a beautiful reflection since my early childhood, and at that moment I instantly had this understanding and this knowing that this reflection of my inner state was coming from the inner work I had been doing to be more aware, and to be free of the negative inner states within me. I then understood why I couldn’t shift that ugliness with make up and pretending to be happy many years back and I could see that I was looking at the quality of my consciousness. It wasn’t like a moment of vanity that I was experiencing but a moment of wonder and discovery to see this result of inner work manifest in this way unexpectedly and helped me an instant to understand how it had been the negative ego states within me that had caused me to be that ugliness. Anyway I thought I’d share an experience here with yours that was somewhat similar in nature but from a different angle 🙂

    • This was really inspiring to read Layla, thank you for sharing. It is amazing that even at such a young age, you were able to somehow perceive the inner ugliness in your mirror reflection, when usually teenagers mostly focus on their external appearance (at least I know I did).

      • I suppose Lucia it was evident because it wasn’t something I could do something about just by wearing make up and I did try to focus on external appearance a lot but kept coming back to this deep unhappy state that shaped my face as Geraldine pointed out in her detailed experience here.

    • I love this Layla, thanks a lot for sharing.

      I also used to have that feeling of ‘ugly’ since childhood and trying different things to cover it up or be pretty, to be able to ‘measure up’ against others, trying to feel good enough. But I’ve come to realize that it only matters to me – what matters to others is how I treat them and how I make them feel. And what makes a person beautiful is the being they are inside, if they are accepting towards self and others, understanding, loving and kind, conscious, there is this feeling of beauty about them that is not related to physical beauty, or that can make physical features beautiful.

      On the reverse, if you are an objectively physically beautiful person, but only have negative ego states inside, that beauty is only on the surface.

      And then thinking of how someone could try lots of things to make themselves beautiful – hair, make up, clothes, fitness, making like a mask for themselves to mask the inner insecurity, but sometimes I think if that person was just loving and relaxed and natural, they wouldn’t need the mask and how beautiful they would be then.

      • Nicely put Laura.

        Beauty definitely can be a physical quality of a person but the quality of beauty of a person’s consciousness is like looking at a diamond that glistens from all angles.

        Unfortunately looking around today, I find that with exception to nature, we’ve lost our sense of beauty, for example I saw a poster today that called a cell phone ‘stunning’ and I personally couldn’t understand how it could be considered stunning?. I wonder if this kind of use of language and meaning towards the superficial and inorganic wears away at our organic understanding of life and how to perceive reality?

        • Gosh, I just love that Layla. The beauty of a person’s consciousness being like a diamond that glistens from all angles. When observing people who are aware and whose consciousness seems very awake, even their movements are beautiful. I remember feeling rather stunned by this. I just enjoyed watching these people
          and taking in beauty with everything they did.

    • Thank you for sharing this Layla. I’ve met people who seem to be glowing from the inside, which makes them so very beautiful. It made me understand that beauty truly comes from something inside of us. I’ve always found it difficult to look at my own reflection closely, and to look at pictures of myself. But recently I saw a picture taken of me very recently, and somehow my eyes were different. Not sure how to explain it. But it made me feel hopeful.

  • Thanks for sharing this Geraldine, it was very insightful and so true, I have also noticed how my face can change with different emotions popping up and I noticed how terrible I looked when I saw myself in a reflection. I also noticed the difference by just observing the worries and fears and how heavy I would feel when I was in them By applying the tecniques and being able to clear the mind. and using the practices taught in these courses makes a massive difference in your life.

    • Hi Carmel,
      I know what you mean about the heaviness of worries and fears – it’s something I’ve noticed too. Glad that there is a way out of them though because these worries can be so detrimental in so many ways.

  • Thanks for sharing your road trip internal adventure, Geraldine. It’s inspiring to read how you came to the understanding of how the egos come in one after the other and take you over for a moment, while the real you is watching it all happen. Belsebuub explains this but seeing it in action was a moment of “ow wow, this is really true” for me as well.

    When I started out, I was studying at uni and my mind very active. It was hard to break free of thoughts and that was preventing me from understanding consciousness by experiencing it. I was so used to understanding the world with the mind that it was very unusual to be still and learn through observation. Once I managed to break out of the train of thoughts, I did notice the same feeling of “being in control” you describe here.

    • Hi Roy,
      yes, it’s interesting isn’t it to realize how so much is done in like an ‘auto-pilot’ mode so to speak, and how different perceptions is when the egos are no longer in charge, but we are. It’s not like the egos are gone, but it’s a completely different way of seeing the world and being able to do something about these egos.

  • Very strong and inspiring experience Geraldine.

    I suppose your willing to insist seeing how you really are, it gave you all this comprehension.

    Thank you for sharing this

  • I know what you mean Geraldine and your experience is a wonderful illustration of this – simply by trying out what you had learnt on Belsebuub’s self-discovery course, it brought about this new dimension of learning within you and a new experience of understanding yourself, even though intellectually at first you couldn’t comprehend how it could be.

    It used to be a big obstacle for me, to only be thinking about the techniques but missing the point of actually doing them, applying them – and it made a huge difference when I cleared my mind and purely just applied a technique without ideas or expectations. It’s like you go into the mode Belsebuub calls, being open to the new, it feels like a place where you can see and understand new things and you realize that reality works very differently than you thought in your head.

    “I could feel how some of these thoughts, especially the negative ones (worries, self-deprecation) were making me feel tired, drained, even sleepy.”

    How interesting this observation is to me. I used to have problems with what I thought was chronic fatigue, just being very low on energy all the time, but through what I think was help to be more free of the egos than usual, I saw how a big part of it might have been just being drained by heavy emotions such as worry and dread and feeling bad about myself.

    Thanks a lot for sharing this Geraldine as it has inspired me to improve on my self-observation attempts.

    • Hi Laura,
      yes, the sleepiness is really interesting – not in every case though, but I’ve seen how sometimes it can be really just because I’ve been feeling low, and this continued at night in my dreams, and the morning ‘d wake up and still feel quite tired – never able to get my energies levels right.
      At other times, though it’s just really fatigue and I’ve just gotta rest – but it has been really interesting to see how tiredness / fatigue can have different origins – one physical, and one emotional.

      • Yes, totally. You’ve only got to experience being tired from an emotional outburst to see that emotions really drain us. I’ve seen it work the other way, how I can really take on much more when I’m clear, and also how being able to rest through a practise and step out of the mind and emotions actually refreshes me as much as a nap does.

        Laura, it’s interesting physiologically how our worries and thoughts have the same repercussions internally as a ‘genuinely’ stressful situation does. To our body it’s all the same, whether we’re making it up in the mind, or the mind is perceiving it!

  • Hi Geraldine,
    Your experience observing the egos presents a very interesting perspective. It has given me some great insights to look into.
    Thanks for sharing

  • Many great observations here. I know sometimes I have caught myself passing a mirror been shocked by my facial expression and/or posture.

    But, I had a very interesting experience with catching up with an adolescent girl recently. I had met her a few times previously, but this day she came to my room and I honestly didn’t recognise her. She told me who she was but I really believed it was someone else pretending to be her (though I could not understand why someone would do that). She was also talking about a completely different situation to what she had talked to me about previously. It was a very strange experience and, luckily, I didn’t say anything as, after about 20 minutes I realised it really was the girl she said she was.

    It was astonishing just how the different egos caused her to actually look like two completely different people!

    • That’s interesting that you mentioned how emotional states can literally change a person’s appearance so that they become unrecognisable Sue.

      I noticed the same thing while working on a mental health ward. When I first met one of the patients, he was going through a fairly manic phase and came across as upbeat and chatty. Then within a week or so, he crashed back into severe depression and when I next saw him, his whole demeanour had changed so significantly that he seemed to have aged by at least 10 years. His posture became more stopped, his faced seemed drained and haggard and his speech was mumbled and indistinct.

      I found the transformation to be quite extraordinary, as it showed how powerful our emotional states can be in affecting the way we act and interact with others.

  • Thank you for sharing this, Geraldine.

    So much can be seen in a facial expression. I think it’s awesome that you got to observe yourself, not just internally, but physically as well.

    I know when I do catch myself off in thoughts/emotions, as I return to awareness, my facial expression also tends to clear up, from frowning/smiling/being tense back to neutrality. And these are only the observations I make as I return to awareness… it makes me wonder what I look like when I’m not aware at all, just how much my expressions may change!

  • I know what you mean about feeling in control when you’re being aware and watching out for the different inner states that come and go, as you’ve explained. When I was trying to understand a particular ego at one point, I remember feeling like overcoming it was out of my hands, like I just didn’t have enough control to do it. And then later on when it was diminished, I was so relieved to be back in control of myself, as strange as it might sound. Knowing that I wouldn’t be so easily manipulated or used by this ego – it was very empowering. Thanks, Geraldine, for sharing 🙂

  • Geraldine I can certainly relate to having similar moments where I caught myself doing the same thing only instead of a window, I would notice how my bad and unnatural my posture would be when I paid closer attention to the thoughts and emotions running through my mind that was affecting it subconsciously. I guess that’s why seeing our own reflection in a mirror is such a powerful dream symbol because just like how seeing your reflection on the window helped you be aware of the impact the egos had made on your facial expressions, the mirror can give us a true, honest depiction of ourselves and how we’re really doing internally.

  • The mirror gave a really interesting perspective on awareness and self-observation.

    I know what you mean about the egos changing our facial expression, tensing the shoulders, posture, etc. I’ve noticed it in myself too through self-observation. It was a very liberating find to realize that I can observe my body in order to keep my inner state better throughout the day. I also found that when I did that I could see the egos enter in a more pronounced way because the state of my body was so much better than the state that the egos brought.

    Thank you for sharing the mirror technique. I look forward to trying it myself.

  • Hi Geraldine,

    That sounds like quite a discovery, seeing how the different states change and bring not only change in your moods but also your expression.

    I think what most stunned me learning Belsebuub’s self-discovery techniques was that all these egos are not the real me, and are actually separate, just coming and going robbing me of my energy. It was such a revelation! And once I discovered it from my own experience with awareness and self-observation it really gave me hope that I can change.

    It’s interesting how you were able to perceive the difference in your facial expressions so distinctly. Makes me think how when I look at photos of myself when I am peaceful and calm I’ve sometimes notice how the features of my face may look ‘softer’/round or not so sharp as compared to photos where I’m thinking about something or just not being genuine.

    • Hi Pavlin,
      I know what you mean – it was the same for me, to realize that these egos are not the real me – such a revelation and a welcome one, meaning something can be done about it.

      I know that this is what really stayed with me from that experience, to clearly see all these subtle yet at times obvious but all different “ego faces” come up one after another. Like realizing it doesn’t have to be this way – of course it’s not about having a face that doesn’t change, but to see the tint the ego added to my face was really revealing opposed to the relaxed and more peaceful face I saw when I would bring myself back to awareness.

  • Thanks Geraldine for sharing this experience of self-observation. There’s so much to learn from studying ourselves and I have found self-observation in everyday life to be an essential part of gaining self-knowledge. It’s rare that we see ourselves from the perspective of an onlooker, in that way that others see us, but on the occasions when I’ve seen myself on video, I’ve found it quite illuminating to study the subtleties in my facial expressions, body language, way of speaking etc.

    It’s interesting how a lot of what you saw would have been unknown to you, if you hadn’t have seen it from this observer’s perspective. I think it shows how important it is for each of us to make self-observation a priority, as there’s a lot that we can otherwise miss. It’s easier to spot changes in our tone of voice, or even our gestures, if we aware enough, but we may remain unaware of how our facial expressions can reveal a lot more than we had anticipated.

  • Thanks Geraldine, this has highlighted another means for self-observation. Becoming aware of how my body moves has been a big thing for me in learning how to self-observe, and the face has to be the most expressional part of the body!

    I remember a process of being quite shocked and dismayed at seeing the reality of myself, when I started to see how fickle and fleeting my thoughts and emotions were, when they weren’t downright destructive, and how the mind and emotions would just churn on and on and dictate my actions.

    One thing I think I’ve actually developed that I’ve noticed recently, through trying to clear my mind, is the habit of shaking my head! When I’m trying to overcome a difficult ego in the mind, sometimes I can find myself shaking my head much like someone would say, “no, sorry, you can’t come in here”! I’ve got to stop doing that … my husband saw me doing it recently and I realised it was quite unconscious.

    • Hi Ella,
      Interesting about the shaking of the head you recently noticed! I know I do something similar at times – in my case, I noticed as well that it comes up when I get (to top if off) ‘frustrated’ with seeing a certain ego show up again and again.. I’m always amazed to see how egos can use each other to show up and use our energies in such clever piggy-back ways..

  • This was amazing to read, thank you for sharing that Geraldine! I could totally imagine you sitting in the car, looking at your changing facial expressions. 🙂 It is indeed unbelievable how the egos can change not only our internal world, but also how we look externally.

    I actually remember a similar experience I had many many years ago, even before I found Belsebuub’s courses. At that time, I was not even actively searching for spirituality, just trying to live my life as best as i could, trying to do something creative and find life-fullfillment… I was living with a boyfriend who was an artist and we would be working together on different creative projects. But not knowing about the inner work, I would often fall into different ego-reactions and negativity, which became an integral part of my life. Whenever I didn’t like something, I would get into a ‘whinning mode’, complaining and protesting about things, getting negative and heavy. At one point, we were having a “verbal exchange” again, whith me being very unhappy and heavily complaining. As I was whinning and mumbling, I passed a big mirror in the entrance hall, and happened to catch a glimpse of my face… I felt stunned! I literally could not believe my eyes how I looked. The ego grotesqly changed my expression to a very desperate looking one and actually very funny in the end. I “froze” it and eagerly called my boyfriend. When he came, I asked him if this is how I usually looked when protesting, and he confirmed while laughing that it is exactly how I looked like in those instances. I told him this was horrible, and made a resolution to control myself more from that time on. Now of course things didn’t change that much without me knowing about the inner spiritual work, but later on, when I found Belsebuub’s courses, especially the self-knowledge one, I knew exactly what was meant by the egos…

    • Yes, I’ve noticed a similar thing Lucia, when I’ve been in the grip of a particular emotion and happened to pass a mirror. I’ve seen some surprising facial expressions, which have made me stop and reflect on how dramatically an inner state can change my physical appearance. Seeing first-hand what the emotion has done to me has also sometimes helped me to avoid going along with it, or to be more aware of it in the future.

    • Hi Lucia,
      You gave me a good chuckle when you wrote about ‘freezing that face’ and then inquiring about your look, but it is so very true how egos affect us physically, isn’t it?
      I have seen at times, well more like felt would be more accurate, how an ego can take over my face / look, almost as if a mask is being applied to my features, changing them in subtle or worse grotesque manner. Sometimes it is what has helped me to ask more strongly for its removal using the elimination technique, that sensation of the distortion of my face!

      • This is a good tip Geraldine, I am going to try to watch out for those face distortions now, to see if I can feel them in my daily life.

    • I know that one Lucia, catching your face while it’s being distorted by some thought or emotion and being really shocked!

      I’ve also found in the past others facial expressions incredibly hard to remain unresponsive to. A face can say so much!

      It makes me think of how faces are moulded over time, until we’ve got a permanent kind of expression, an impression we give to people.

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Mark Pritchard (Belsebuub) is an author and spiritual teacher that has been writing about and demonstrating practical techniques for self-discovery for more than twenty-five years. Read more

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