One afternoon as I was returning home from a duty, from my neighborhood’s alleys by foot, I was lost in my thoughts and worries. My goal that day was again to try to be aware in the present moment – a technique I had learned through Belsebuub’s work. I also wanted to connect with my Divine Mother through prayer.
As I was walking I was very much confused in my thoughts and emotions. Suddenly I felt separated from everything around me and in me, like a momentary force had taken me out of my mind’s fog.
I could sense my body in the environment, feel my legs as they were walking, what I was touching, see what was around me, the street, houses, cars, sidewalks, the sky, the ground, feel the air, realize the sounds, smells.
Everything around me became so clear and seemed so beautiful and I felt free and relieved from all these worries and confusion in me. At those moments I could feel some love and happiness in everything around me.
This lasted only for some moments and as it was fading I tried to capture it again but gradually lost it. Even if it was for so little, this experience gave me so much strength and the boost and hope I needed to overcome some depressing feelings that were surrounding me that day and to continue my spiritual efforts.
Recently I had a serious problem with a family member that had to be in the hospital for months and needed my help. I spent many hours every day there in order to help her. The circumstances and the atmosphere in that hospital were terrible, and usually I would get completely lost in my thoughts, worries, feelings and get completely exhausted by the time I had to leave and return home.
It wasn’t because of the help I was giving there, but because I was completely attached with the problem and my thoughts, feelings, and very much because of the very negative environment of the hospital which pushed me deeper in my worries.
I wanted to help but I couldn’t stand being in that place and this made me very tired. What remained very deep and alive in me until now from then was that every time I opened the door to enter that hospital I would feel a very heavy feeling falling upon my chest and depression getting in me.
These feelings were very strong and there were times I wanted to surrender. Prayer was my only hope and the only thing I remembered and could do then. And at a time I felt very weak and had doubts if prayer had any sense in these circumstances and could help me, I came across something Belsebuub had written about difficult situations: that in these situations it is important we find inner strength and courage and ask to advance towards our Beings, to observe and eliminate egos if we can, to help others more if we can, and from these difficult circumstances at the end, to become stronger and not weaker.
His words and the way he expressed them reached so deeply into my heart, that they remained at the background of my mind throughout that period, keeping me from giving up or not praying every time I felt weak, but instead giving me an aim to fight for through prayer then.
After that, and after some time, suddenly, opening one day that hospital’s door to enter, I suddenly became aware of myself and everything around me, undeterred by this negative environment and my usual types of thoughts and feelings, and instead felt strongly the sense my of body and heart, and everything got so clear.
In this state the environment couldn’t influence me, I was separated from it and from everything negative in me, I could feel hope and happiness in that ugly place. This happened every time I entered that hospital from then and till we left it, and in the same level.
It was a strong light in my heart and a powerful gift at that difficult period.
Hi Maria,
Thank you for sharing these beautiful and inspiring experiences.
I can relate to how when I feel weak and there are difficulties, that it feels like prayer or my efforts are not making any impact, and there can be thoughts of giving up, or I am barely able to make minimum efforts and I’m not pushing enough to break through because of this weakness. And then how hearing such extremely helpful truths from Belsebuub can bring a stronger sense of will power and yearning for the divine, and how his words dispel illusions and negativity. I’ve experienced it many times and it’s only my failure to hold onto it that it isn’t doing more wonders in my life. So it’s truly inspiring that you held onto the light and how it helped you to break through those heavy states.
I feel like I’m quite vulnerable to environments around me – and if it’s a job or a place I have to visit frequently, somehow anticipating my own bad feelings about it makes it even worse. Like in the beginning it might not be so bad but it gets worse over time, until I can’t bear to be there anymore. So it’s really helpful to hear that you gained this detachment from what was around you through awareness and inspires me to make more efforts.
I hope your family member is better now!
Thanks for sharing, Maria.
Your experience is really inspiring.
Thank you Maria. Your experience at the hospital really inspired me. It’s helpful to be reminded that we can find clarity and happiness anywhere, no matter how negative or ugly that place is. I have a dread of hospitals. Somehow they always feel very heavy to me, like walking into a cave. Or at least that’s what I felt last time I visited one. It’s always a relief to leave. I want to try harder to see if I can find peace and beauty even there.
Hi Anne, I just wanted to mention that on a positive side, hopsitals also seem to invoke a sense of deeper reflection to me, as if people were paradoxically closer to the spiritual there than in their usual stereotyped lives… Like one has to stop and reconsider his/her life for a bit, come out of the routine, perceive others in similar situations around them, etc. I mean in a way it feels like a lot of learning, but of course preferably not with some sort of terrible diagnose… I just wish they looked nicer, with more plants and flowers, rosehip tea and other uplifting things available for patients.
Hi Anne Linn & Lucia,
It’s interesting how places like hospitals can provoke strong reactions in people. I can also relate to what you mentioned about feeling like walking into a cave when going into some places Anne Linn. I don’t quite feel that about hospitals, but have definitely had that feeling when going into other environments, which I really didn’t want to be in. For example, I felt the same when working in a very boring and repetitive job some years ago, or even after being in the same home environment for long periods of time.
I personally have a mixed reaction to hospitals, as I was in hospital a number of times as a child, so have some associations with nice things, such as eating ice cream, reading comic books, or being looked after. But I also have other associations with unpleasant things, such as being anxious while in hospital, or visiting a close family member who was very ill and another family member who was close to death.
I agree that the quality of the environment could be improved a lot for patients, by making the environment more therapeutic. Simple things like access to nature, social interaction and a wholesome diet can make a big difference. But it seems so many patients are stuck in wards with fluorescent lighting, little or no access to nature, bad food, little social contact etc., all of which could influence the quality of their experience there and consequently, the speed of their recovery.
Thank you, Maria, for sharing these states of awareness that you experienced.
From my personal experience usually, these internal states come after a hard effort to be aware, as a blessing, award or divine help to understand what really is the target. Any time I tried to repeat or to capture the same state it ended up to a failure. It seems to me the real awareness isn’t to repeat the same state but to be open to the new.
I find it so nice to hear how you were able to persevere Maria. It makes me think about how all of us are going through life’s difficult situations. How each of us is like a scientist or worker on the platform of our own psyche, and each day we have to go out there to face difficulties with our job being to (…run away from it all! sorry just kidding :-)), our job being to become stronger from it, see the darkness within us, and transform it as much as possible. It seems the better the level of awareness we can reach— the more effective our learning from difficulties becomes. Whereas just going through difficulties while being identified with them, in darkness, leaves us with soooo much less learning. Yet still the same suffering, or more. For me too it’s the techniques and information Belsebuub gives that has allowed me to do such things in life.
So it was wonderful to read about a person breaking through, hopefully sharing this here and in general having this knowledge that you acquired will help others.
Also your descriptions of those moments of awareness make me remember such moments in my own life, very inspiring. Let’s try it now :-)!
HI Maria,
Thank you for sharing this experience – It is inspiring to read and reflect on it.
Thank you very much for sharing this experience Maria. It was very inspiring to read about how you mustered up the strength to pray and fight for awareness in that difficult situation, when everything around you was making you feel heavy and down. And how magical that you were able to break through, even if it maybe didn’t seem realistic or possible at first, but you kept going, and eventually experienced that amazing sense of peace and detachment. Similarly to Geraldine, I also hope to remember your experience in difficult times…
Hi Maria,
Thank you very much for sharing this experience. It was uplifting to read.
I’d like to have that remembrance to pray and to be able to persist with it when I feel heavy.
btw I really felt what you meant by having that unpleasant and dark feeling about going to the hospital. But it was beautiful how your prayers were heard and you received continuous support to be peaceful there!
Thank you for sharing these experiences, Maria. Reading the “before” and “after” perceptions of those circumstances really shows what a beautiful experience awareness can be, even in otherwise depressing and unfortunate circumstances. Thank you also for the reminder about the power of Prayer.
As I read your article, I remembered similar experiences I’ve had in the past, where I came out of the egos and into awareness, or managed to overcome heavy feelings, often with a lot of asking. This was a good reminder to have.
I hope many others out there will be able to experience the transformative nature of awareness and prayer like you described. These are some very inspiring examples!
Hey Maria
I can relate to that heavy feeling being inside a hospital. Even everything looks clean around, it’s in the air a kind of difficult atmosphere that I need to be aware I will meet before I go so to be prepared. Been recently though to a health center the feeling was different and much better. Maybe because there weren’t people hospitalized there.
But I guess there is more to learn about what’s is going on in such places and even more inside the psyche.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with awareness, this kind of feeling of detachment sometimes is quite magic.
Thanks very much Maria for sharing your account of trying to bring yourself back to awareness of the present moment during challenging circumstances.
I’m sorry to hear about the medical issues of your family member and hope that their time in hospital has helped them to recover. It’s good that despite your negative response to the hospital, you were able to break through it and gain a clearer perception of the environment. I think it would have also helped you to care in a better way for your family member, as when we are able to break free of our own inner states, it can help us to be more perceptive of others around us.
I could relate to the negative reaction you felt each time you entered the building. I used to have a similar response each time I went into a particular workplace, as I really disliked the job I was doing, which was very repetitive. Then that heavy feeling would sit with me for most of the day, while I counted down the hours until I could go home again. But thanks to Belsebuub’s work, I now feel more able to focus the mind and stay more in the present moment, even while doing mundane tasks.
I think prayer is an important part of trying to change within, as even when it may seem like there isn’t much point in praying, as our prayers probably won’t be answered, it’s still possible to make a breakthrough in our perception of the moment and in our understanding, just like you mentioned. It’s great that the clearer sense of perception that you gained stayed with you during your later visits to the hospital and I can imagine it must have been a relief to feel free from some of those oppressive emotions.
Thanks again for sharing your story and I wish you many more breakthroughs in awareness.
Hi Maria,
This was very moving to read – I could really understand well what you went through, and relate to those low feelings that grabbed you as you opened the hospital door and how praying became your guiding path back to a more serene and peaceful state. I’m sure it must also have made a positive impact and difference to how you were able to help your family member that was at the hospital. Remembering the light as you did, and persevering the way you did, with your asking, praying and trying to understand and use the situation you were in was very inspiring to me, so I’m really thankful you shared your experience, as I can see how remembering your experience during such a difficult time would be helpful to help me as well.