One afternoon as I was returning home from a duty, from my neighborhood’s alleys by foot, I was lost in my thoughts and worries. My goal that day was again to try to be aware in the present moment – a technique I had learned through Belsebuub’s work. I also wanted to connect with my Divine Mother through prayer.
As I was walking I was very much confused in my thoughts and emotions. Suddenly I felt separated from everything around me and in me, like a momentary force had taken me out of my mind’s fog.
I could sense my body in the environment, feel my legs as they were walking, what I was touching, see what was around me, the street, houses, cars, sidewalks, the sky, the ground, feel the air, realize the sounds, smells.
Everything around me became so clear and seemed so beautiful and I felt free and relieved from all these worries and confusion in me. At those moments I could feel some love and happiness in everything around me.
This lasted only for some moments and as it was fading I tried to capture it again but gradually lost it. Even if it was for so little, this experience gave me so much strength and the boost and hope I needed to overcome some depressing feelings that were surrounding me that day and to continue my spiritual efforts.
Recently I had a serious problem with a family member that had to be in the hospital for months and needed my help. I spent many hours every day there in order to help her. The circumstances and the atmosphere in that hospital were terrible, and usually I would get completely lost in my thoughts, worries, feelings and get completely exhausted by the time I had to leave and return home.
It wasn’t because of the help I was giving there, but because I was completely attached with the problem and my thoughts, feelings, and very much because of the very negative environment of the hospital which pushed me deeper in my worries.
I wanted to help but I couldn’t stand being in that place and this made me very tired. What remained very deep and alive in me until now from then was that every time I opened the door to enter that hospital I would feel a very heavy feeling falling upon my chest and depression getting in me.
These feelings were very strong and there were times I wanted to surrender. Prayer was my only hope and the only thing I remembered and could do then. And at a time I felt very weak and had doubts if prayer had any sense in these circumstances and could help me, I came across something Belsebuub had written about difficult situations: that in these situations it is important we find inner strength and courage and ask to advance towards our Beings, to observe and eliminate egos if we can, to help others more if we can, and from these difficult circumstances at the end, to become stronger and not weaker.
His words and the way he expressed them reached so deeply into my heart, that they remained at the background of my mind throughout that period, keeping me from giving up or not praying every time I felt weak, but instead giving me an aim to fight for through prayer then.
After that, and after some time, suddenly, opening one day that hospital’s door to enter, I suddenly became aware of myself and everything around me, undeterred by this negative environment and my usual types of thoughts and feelings, and instead felt strongly the sense my of body and heart, and everything got so clear.
In this state the environment couldn’t influence me, I was separated from it and from everything negative in me, I could feel hope and happiness in that ugly place. This happened every time I entered that hospital from then and till we left it, and in the same level.
It was a strong light in my heart and a powerful gift at that difficult period.