When I was trying to delve more into seeing and improving my psychology some years ago, I remember going through a particularly hard time at my place of work.
I had a manager who at times would become quite unreasonably negative towards me. It was a difficult situation. I felt I couldn’t say anything against them or point out their negative attitude to them as they would just react badly and it would make the situation worse and possibly I would lose my job. It became a struggle to go to work each day to possibly get berated. I was always on alert, wondering when the next barrage of negativity would be thrown at me.
What kept me going and helped me get through that was applying Belsebuub’s explanations of self-discovery techniques. In this way, I came to view the situation as a valuable learning opportunity and I was determined to get something positive out of it. That is, I did my best to be in awareness, to see my own negative thoughts and feelings going on and remove them instead of responding with them, to remain calm, and try to learn from the situation rather than run away from it.
Analysis of an Ego
I would talk about the situation in the Belsebuub course I was doing at the time and I received a lot of support from the group which also helped me to keep going.
There were some group practices we did during Belsebuub’s course where we tried out a technique called analysis of an ego. In this practice I could see various ways how at different times in the past I behaved towards others a bit like my manager now was towards me and what the egos were that drove me to behave that way. Seeing the horribleness of the egos behavior, by way of being on the receiving end at my workplace and in these meditation on an ego exercise sessions, gave me a great determination to remove those elements from inside myself, to change for the better.
I viewed the manager as being a mirror of myself and my own horrible egos inside and I felt sad for them and for the way I was and prayed for these egos to be removed from me. The analysis and prayer helped me to start to change and gave me a strength to tackle the egos in the moment as they came up.
A work colleague had said they could not believe the way the manager treated me but I didn’t complain about it to them. I just took it all as being my own negativity reflected back at me so I would be on the receiving end to hopefully learn from it and have the opportunity to reduce and remove those egos.
A Mistake that Lead to a Breakthrough
After a while of working on myself in this situation a moment came when I had made a clerical mistake in my work and I was called into the manager’s office where the mistake was pointed out to me in an accusatory way. It was a simple mistake but my manager wasn’t very understanding of the fact that I hadn’t done it intentionally. I kept myself in awareness and felt detached from their negativity and responded as best I could. My response was to apologise and genuinely thank them for pointing it out to me because now I could be aware of where little mistakes can be made.
I returned to my desk to continue on working which was in sight of the manager’s office and did my best to remain aware and observe the negative thoughts come up which wanted to retaliate and argue with the manager and put them down. These thoughts in turn stirred up my emotional center, there was a churning feeling, a knotted anger there that felt justified by having been treated badly.
Instead of going along with these thoughts and feelings and allowing myself to sit there and stew in it, I did my best to eliminate these negative thoughts and feelings as they arose, by praying for them to be disintegrated. This was another technique I learned from one of Belsebuub’s courses. I was keen to get free of these inner states and aimed to gain understanding of myself and I also hoped the manager would get some insight also about themselves.
After a short time in this self-observation and elimination of the egos I noticed in my peripheral vision that the manager looked up from their desk and looked over at me working away but I didn’t look back, I just kept working and let them look at me whilst I did my best to remain in awareness and clear of any egos. I felt they were surprised by my unexpected response of genuinely thanking them for letting me know about the mistake and they were looking to see if it looked like I was now fuming over what had just happened.
Again, I just did my best to remain in awareness and clear of any egos and wished for them to have understanding. They turned back to continue with what they were working on but it seemed like they were still a little baffled that the response I gave isn’t what they expected and that I seemed unperturbed.
An Important Change
A little while later it occurred to me that the situation just suddenly changed, it got better and I no longer had that negativity directed towards me from that person, although we still worked together, they were much more friendly from then on. It seemed by reducing and removing my own negative internal responses towards them it broke the chain of negativity between myself and my manager. Their egos no longer looked to get a reaction from me in order to feed.
Eventually a new worker started in our office and before long they were then subject to the manager’s negative behavior. It showed me that whilst things had gotten better between us and I was changing, they were still the same and just needed another outlet to direct that behavior towards.
Belsebuub actually has a great video about how to handle it when people are negative towards us:
Going through all this was a great opportunity to test out what Belsebuub says about awareness, self-observation and the inferior centers, the analysis and elimination of the egos, and monitoring dreams and even though it was hard I learned a lot about myself.