There were some events going on in my life that felt tough to me. This made thoughts and emotions about the situation compulsively arise throughout the whole day, which had a strong near compulsive grip on me. The nearly constant occupation of my mind by this scenario was obvious to me, but I noticed that the thoughts were even there sneaking in, in those in-between moments. So quickly they’d come in, it felt as though there was this “hidden fire” behind it in the subconscious. Thoughts about the situation generated more of a strong emotion, similar to the experience shared here, which would get me fascinated and engrossed. Even when observing, if I wasn’t careful, the observation could turn into identifying with the events again. Before I’d know it, I’d be arguing with the same people all over again in my mind.
During the day and at work I had the opportunity to study myself and to see the details, something Belsebuub explains how to do in his work on self-knowledge. I even had some moments to reflect and contemplate to take that observation a bit deeper.
Self-Knowledge in Dreams
I also found Belsebuub’s particular advice on self-study helpful:
If in your daily life you observe and study yourself, see how you act, feel, think, etc., you can also learn about those same things in your dreams.
~ The Astral Codex by Belsebuub.
At night in the astral dimension, I was able to learn more. Through dreams, I received generous help by seeing these situations in a more extreme form and having the opportunity to look into the reactions that played out. Also, I saw further connected sides of the situation that I had not considered before. I was interested to see if I could spot some of those aspects back in waking life.
Beginning the Meditation
In the evening, as usual, I had my list of things I find important that I wanted to do. But there came a moment where I really felt that the most important thing, right now, was that I didn’t want to go through all these precious situations while missing out on the inner learning.
So I turned off my computer, went straight to my room, and lit a candle to start my practice.
In this short audio Belsebuub gives a nice and clear explanation of how one can meditate on an inner state. I learned how to, and came to know of the amazing benefit, thanks to his writings on Self-Knowledge.
I’d been studying a lot of different sides of the situation, lots of details, so when I sat down I didn’t quite know where to even start. So I began by first concentrating right on the centre of my heart, then on some of the heartbeats in order to gain some inner focus. This was a practice I first heard about from Belsebuub.
Then I asked my inner Divine Mother for help to illuminate what I needed to see, such as all those branches of the subconscious which were binding me, the harmful attachments and reactions that I wished to overcome and regain peace and serenity back to my life.
Focus and Dedication in the Practice
Compared to daytime at work, here in this room, a single candle lit, quiet… I was able to dedicate my mind, my concentration, fully. I started with looking at similar situations that happened in a more distant past, seeing what the pattern was there, then I moved onto the current situation. I selected one aspect of the subconscious to begin with, but from then I tried to go with the natural flow of the practice. Whenever a new interesting insight came up I’d dive into that (from this, one or two more directions would often emerge, but I would put those on hold for the time being) until I’d exhausted the initial direction of study. Then I would move onto the next in line.
I made use of this approach because I didn’t want my mind to jump all over the place and for things to get chaotic, yet at the same time, I wanted to make use of the spontaneous insights that came up.
Although I felt I could gain so much learning during the day by seeing many specific details arising in action, a dedicated sit-down practice like this allowed me to be in more continuous concentration where I could dedicate my attention fully towards a much more in-depth quality study.
A Positive Outcome
Seeing things a lot more clearly enabled me to uncover the inner workings and structure of the situation I was in. This reminds me of Belsebuub’s video and his explanation of delving into ourselves for the purposes of self-study:
Having this information, I felt would aid me again when studying myself during the day, placing the details I would observe within that structure I’d discovered. I felt I was piercing quite deep into some of the fundamental workings of my psyche. By the end of the meditation, I felt so much freer of the situation which had me caught up before, and felt a peacefulness in general.