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How I Overcame a Persistent Ego

Experience submitted by Laura Boeva

One morning I was sitting down to do a spiritual practice. However, there was a persistent, strong thought that kept pushing into my mind with its imagery, causing related emotions and physical effects around my body.

At times in the past I had been despairing about how strong that state was, and how could I ever overcome it, believing the elimination wasn’t working and thinking I would have to get to some high spiritual level to make it work.

During the morning practice I began to notice those intrusive thoughts more and more. I didn’t want to think about those thoughts, but they were coming up compulsively anyways. I thought I have to put a stop to this, so I began to apply the elimination technique on it that I had learned from taking Belsebuub’s Esoteric Wisdom course. The thought would enter, I would pray for its elimination and the elimination of any sensations that would follow.

Battle of Wills

At times I felt like I couldn’t stop the ego from entering. I started to pray for the disintegration of it as soon as it seemed it was about to return. I noticed I could willfully keep it away, but eventually it would catch me at an unaware moment and “bite me.”

It was a bit tricky because there would be this subtle feeling of, let me see what that thought is, like it was pulling me to have a look at it. But when I would look, that allowed it access in my mind and it would slip in that way. I had to raise my level of vigilance again and apply the elimination on that too.

The effects of it were very strong. It felt like a battle of wills – my will against its. If I let my willpower drop, it “had me.”

Insight about the Elimination and Peace

This went on for some time. I could feel this state “on my left side,” and my Divine Mother to my right. I felt how that state was constantly pushing to let it in and I felt I couldn’t go on with this intensity for long. But I noticed that the anxiety was making me feel I have to “hit” it with the elimination to keep it away, which was causing more pressure.

A friend had told me that they would try to feel the Divine Mother inside them to get rid of an ego, and I did that, and it seemed to work. I noticed the “hitting the ego” approach I had tried before, was a mechanical way for me, applying it through an inner state of anxiety, whereas the genuine asking let me feel a connection to my Divine Mother and allowed the elimination to work better.

After a while, to my surprise I felt the compulsive pushing of the ego stop. It went away, it had given up. I felt happy, it worked! I could relax a little and be at peace, feeling some of the effects of consciousness instead.

In the days afterward the ego state would still come to pester me from time to time, but not with the same intensity. I could see that the elimination had lessened its strength significantly, and this allowed my faith in the technique to grow. I had more faith in my Divine Mother, that if I ask she will be disintegrating the ego, even though it might seem very strong and persistent, and even if I’m not always seeing an immediate result.

  • Hi Laura

    I think you described very well how it works with this technique when it does. I can relate to that glimpse sometimes I want to have the thought before applying the elimination. Sometimes is enough to take my attention away and be cut up in daydreaming. Sometimes though when some thoughts and emotions are very persistent without obvious reason, I make a step back to observe my thoughts and reflect on them to get more understanding why they are coming forward so intensively. Having a bit more understanding the technique of elimination works much better then.

    This “battle of wills” also is quite interesting you said and something to reflect on.
    Thank you for sharing it.

    • Hi Fotis,
      Yes, the understanding part I have found is really important as well as having a true repentance for the elimination of the ego to work. I’ve found that if within me, I’m still in ‘aggreance’ in some ways, even minute ways, the elimination won’t be as effective as when I’ve understood and have seen many times what the ego is after, and its destructive consequences.. I’ve found that meditation has really helped me with getting to see it for what it is, how it affects me, how it affects others. Then there is that strength behind it to really want to ‘part ways’ with it, to get it out once and for all. But yes, without observing it in the first place, I wouldn’t even know it was there. It’s really interesting how everything fits into a puzzle, and is really logical so to speak, or has this progressive step-by-step process. It’s like driving a car, you need the key to start it, but also to know how to drive, and then have a direction / sense of where you aim to go, as well as realizing that you won’t be the only person on the road, but all you can do, is be in control of your car. And it all takes practice to get all this to work well.

      • Hi Geraldine,

        Your point about being in agreement with the ego in some way stood out for me. Thank you for bringing it up. Even if most of me wants it out, if there is just a small tiny bit that I allow to stay ‘just in case’ or ‘as it is very small anyway and is not a problem’ then that effort is already hijacked as there is no sincerity and I don’t even get to the point where there are ‘two wills’.

        • I agree totally with the point about understanding being key, and meditation being a huge source of strength in working against an ego. Sometimes when I’ve really been able to face up to an ego, and also face my divine mother honestly (because it can be really hard to enter into that genuine conversation with her and look at your behaviour and drives without blinkers, and get to that genuine remorse) through meditation, I feel like the next day I have shiny new weapons, and a brand new master-plan. 🙂 Then that battle-of-wills that Laura describes so well doens’t get to that critical point where you know you’re about to get totally hammered by it if you just slip a little bit.

          Thanks for the reminder, I’ve been a bit slack on my meditation practises recently (a really major and nasty ego’s behind that!)

          • Thanks for mentioning a bit about the sincerity with divine mother Ella. She knows everything about us anyway, it’s us who are deceiving ourselves if we don’t want to look at ourselves honestly, and are delaying our progress at the same time. I like how you described it being like new shiny weapons in the battle against the egos. Makes me inspired to work more with the meditation.

      • Hi Geraldine, this was such a helpful comment, thank you a lot for sharing. After reading it some time ago it made me pay attention to and become more aware of when I was ‘in agreement’ with the ego in subtle ways when applying the elimination, and there’s a lot to understand there and it makes me reflect on my whole approach of going against the egos – that I have to go against all of them 100% if I want to make inner progress. Thank you also for sharing about how meditation has helped you in this, it was inspiring to increase my efforts with meditation too.

    • Hi Fotis, I know what you mean, how observing an ego in a detached way to gain understanding into it helps the elimination to work better. Sometimes I notice myself applying the death in a mechanical way, and this definitely helps it become more alive. Sometimes though there are egos that are maybe just very strong? like the one I was describing in my experience, where it seems like it’s pushing so much that I can’t allow it in any way without losing ground. Or, sometimes I’ve thought it almost seems like the ego is pushing and attacking extra hard to gain back some ground it’s lost, or doesn’t want to lose it’s grip on me when I try to fight it harder.

  • Thank you, Laura. I can very much relate to what you shared, especially with something I’m going through right now. I feel your article showed up when I needed it the most. It’s such a good reminder to trust in our Divine Mother. It can feel a bit hopeless when the ego is very strong, and hard to imagine that it could ever go away. I like how you said you felt the ego on your left and the Divine Mother on your right. Sometimes I imagine her standing at my right shoulder, just a bit behind me. I wonder why.

    Very inspiring that you kept going, kept trying and pushing. Thank you again Laura!

    Also, what a gorgeous picture 🙂

    • Thank you Anne Linn. It’s wonderful to hear that it helped you to read it exactly when you did.

      I find again and again I have to come back to the trust and faith in divine mother, which can get weaker if my own efforts get weaker.

      It was really a surprise in that experience how the ego left and got weaker. It made me see there was nothing wrong with the techniques and that they really work, just my persistence and faith in them hadn’t been strong enough. It reminds me of what Mark says somewhere, paraphrased, that when we are trying the techniques (with the best that we are able), that is doing the inner work. Somehow I think I’ll be doing the inner work when I get it all right and it feels strong and I can see it happening in front of my eyes, when it’s no longer trying but doing. But even trying hard when it feels like it isn’t working, going against something even if I really feel like I can’t, is actually doing it, because when will trying become doing? I think really trying is doing, if it’s sincere and we put all of ourselves in it, and I think that’s how you can make progress.

      • Oh yes, I think so too Laura. It’s a good reminder to keep trying. Thanks for that. Sometimes when I’ve been fighting and resisting my egos, I get an interesting dream. It kind of feel like a gift to inspire me to keep going. And only when I keep pushing even harder do I get more dreams like that.

      • Yes, you made a good point there Laura – at what point does trying become doing? I remember Belsebuub mentioning in a talk that some people get caught into the trap of thinking they can start doing the inner work, once their current difficulties are out of the way. But he goes on to say that going through these difficulties and overcoming them is part of the very nature of the work.

        Your comment reminded me of Yoda’s famous quote from The Empire Strikes Back: “Do. Or do not. There is no try.”

  • It was interesting you mentioned a battle of wills Laura, and showed how important it is to practice that will power, otherwise its lost or weakened.

    I have had a similar experience to how you explored your petitioning to your divine mother and found your way through that intense yearning to be free from those horrible emotions and feelings.

    I also wanted to mention that recently I was reading Belsebuub’s new book, ‘Searching Within’ and there was a section in it that explained how overcoming resistance requires the efforts needed to go against that resistance to be greater then the resistance itself, and when I applied that approach it helped me to keep exercising that will power to be free of the grip of the ego that was binding me. It kind of made mathematical sense to me and it helped me to understand the value of effort, how to make effort, and the purpose of making efforts spiritually.

    I also realised and felt how inner strength is developed in this battle against the egos we have within, which comes through in your experience as well, and how the approach Belsebuub explained in his book was like a formula that I now understand is useful towards any resistance we experience that hinders the quality and integrity of our life, even in the smallest ways like washing the dishes :), doing a spiritual practice, going for a walk, etc

    I really enjoyed this experience you related and it inspired me, so thank you for taking the time to write about it!

    • Nice insights you seem to be reaching there Layla.

      I’ve also been faced with somewhat similar things. There’s a lot of learning to be gained about the whole process of putting efforts in.

    • Thank you for sharing Layla, I also enjoyed reading your response 🙂

      I love the new Searching Within book, almost every time I read it I feel like I get a new insight to help me with something I’m facing. What you mentioned about the effort having to be greater than the resistance is actually very helpful. Sometimes I feel weak and like it isn’t possible to go against egos or resistance, but when I really try I find that it was possible, that I developed the strength in the trying, or found it within myself.

      I’ve seen also that unless you keep practicing and applying the will power in various ways throughout the day, really to keep going and holding onto it, the strength gets lost quickly and then you have to start all over again, and it’s hard or harder than when you last started.

      Wish you all the best!

      • Yes, that’s a good point Laura – the need to make consistent efforts, in order to avoid losing strength and getting stuck in the quicksand of the emotions.

  • Thank you very much for sharing your battle Laura! I have to say I can relate to almost all of it – the feeling at times that the elimination does not really work for me, then the “will against will” approach, as well as “let’s see what that thought is first, before hitting it…”.
    The night after reading this experience, I decided to try applying what you said about a more gentle approach and feeling my Divine mother inside of me. What I normally do, is that I keep “hammering” the thoughts for a while with the elimination technique before falling asleep in order to reach more clarity in my dreams. So this time I decided to try and do what you said, so I brought my attention to my heart and tried to keep this peaceful and connected state while applying the technique. However, what happened was that I just fell asleep quickly and into dreams. I think naturally, I somehow eased my attention with this more peaceful approach, which made me fall asleep and being taken to a dream state by some thoughts.
    So I think maybe it would be better for me to try this approach during the day, when there is less chance of falling asleep. 🙂

    • Hi Lucia, I’m happy you went and tried the approach to see if it works for you 🙂 Did you try it again during the day or get any further insights?

      Perhaps the approach with the elimination is something personal one develops along with one’s inner work and relationship with one’s divine mother. Maybe the ‘hammering’ is really what works for you? Maybe it’s the sincerity, repentance and connection to and faith in your divine mother what counts, and the way you apply the death is secondary, because I’ve seen both approaches work for me at different times, or both of them sometimes feeling weak and inefficient.

      I’d actually like to use the hammering, but as I was saying in the experience, for some reason it tends to cause additional tension or pressure, so I had to look for other ways for applying the elimination. To ease the tension, this way of intensifying my connection to divine mother seemed a natural option, and perhaps it worked because it was more sincere at the time. I’m still looking into it and trying to understand it as I really want to get it right and be able to apply it more.

      • Hi Laura, I think you are right in that its most likely not a particular variation of the technique we use, but the sincerity and repentance we feel that helps us to find the right approach. I was also wondering if maybe different egos may need a different approach? Like for example this heart-connection you mentioned in your experience may work well for anger-related egos, while laziness may just need a more sheer force. 🙂

        Thank you for sharing this inspiring experience again, there is indeed a lot to explore with this technique.

  • I can relate to your experience with the elimination of the ego, Laura.
At the beginning, I thought this practice was very simple but at the same time I felt this is how it is meant to be and the whole experience of receiving it felt very special. 
However, when I started to utilise the elimination of an ego process in the daily life it proved to be far away from being simple as my mind seemed to be very attached to the life of the egos and myself that I couldn’t decide if I really wanted to eliminate them. Many egos felt a normal way of life but when I finally decided to observe and learn from them then together with having gathered a lot of strength at one point the elimination of the egos practice became very simple. 
These days things are again a lot harder, but seeing those small changed in ego states gives me an impetus to carry on fighting and improving as I go along.

    • Hi Tina, I can relate to what you shared – that it felt like a special and precious thing to learn about the elimination technique. It’s hard to fathom actually how it was given that I was put in the right circumstances at the right time to receive it.

      Wishing you lots of strength to keep fighting and overcome any difficulties.

  • Thank you for sharing this, Laura! It is quite astounding what we can overcome if we apply the elimination technique, when applied with enough willpower and intensity.

    Like you, I’ve sometimes been overwhelmed by an ego and almost doubted it was possible to overcome it. Indeed it does seem to come down to a battle of wills and genuinely asking, in order to succeed.

    Your description of how anxiety was inducing more pressure on you as it was bringing about a mechanical application of the inner death is quite insightful. It has given me some insights and new approaches to take in applying the elimination technique against very strong egos.

    • That’s very nice to hear Mike that what I described has helped you with insights and new approaches with the elimination technique. I think it’s a personal thing and something to deeply investigate as to how each one can do it for themselves most efficiently as it’s so important to get right. Did you have any insight that you’d like to share here? I’d be happy to hear it!

  • Thank you for sharing this experience, Laura. It was really nice to read about your small victory over those compulsive thoughts and feelings.

    It reminded me a bit of an advice that Mark gave to someone in one of his books. In the Q&A section I believe there was some feedback about sometimes perceiving the ‘feeling of the ego’ and then sometimes applying the death after ‘seeing’ what it is. I think Mark advised that the death should be applied at the very feeling of the ego as that ‘seeing’ what it is is actually labeling which is a work of the mind.

    On some days I feel like some big things have started as a barely recognisable feeling of heaviness or resistance and since I didn’t act on them at that beginning they just evolve to a point where they seem too big. So that awareness need to extend to the times when it’s just a ‘feeling’ or ‘in the air’ and then perhaps it would be easier!

    • Thanks for the reminder of that quote from Mark, Pavlin. When I read it some time ago, it felt like a relief, like wow I can stop all the thinking and analyzing (which I was doing too much, being a bit too identified with the mind and it felt like I couldn’t go deeper with it). Because I think I used to do that or believe that I’d have to label the ego or whatever when it manifests to understand it. How wonderful to have learnt that there is this other very different way of learning and understanding through conscious perception and it works much better.

      I’ve noticed that when I tried to hit those small thoughts or feelings that arose randomly during the day, then when the event arrived that would have triggered the big ego (and I knew to expect it) it was less overpowering. So I think you’re right that it’s so important to handle and get rid of the small feelings any time they arise.

  • Such a realistic and useful description of that episode you went through Laura. I think this is the way to do it. Where you actually try the techniques given and by doing that you start to see how things work in you.

    Also interesting is what you say about ‘hitting the ego.’ I find that sometimes when the asking goes well I naturally feel compelled to see an image appropriate to it in my mind’s eye, this can give me more faith and strength in my asking. However sometimes I notice that the images in mind’s eye actually serve to detract from that direct focussed asking from the heart which is going on.
    These situations are more for like the ones you describe where I have the opportunity and time for, during everyday activities I feel it’s better not to visualise anything.

    It’s also nice how you what you achieved in the end proved your initial doubts to be so off. One Hooray for persistence and having faith! 🙂

    • Thanks for sharing Karim. Sometimes visualisation has helped me with the elimination of a stubborn ego, though yes it’s when my asking is already strong and sincere, and if it is a bit weak or mechanical, then I have to focus on getting it strong. Like it can be a natural result of the sincerity and connection to my divine mother, or can feel like a natural addition.

  • Thanks for sharing your experience of trying to eliminate a stubborn inner state Laura. I really got a sense of the type of struggle you were facing and the sincere efforts you made to overcome it. I could relate a lot to the feelings you mentioned – that the technique seemed too simple, it’s not really effective, it doesn’t work for me etc. I can think of many instances where I felt that an inner stage was too difficult to overcome and that there isn’t much hope in reducing it. But then over time, I’ve also been surprised to see significant changes taking place, which has given me a sense of encouragement.

    Sometimes progress can be slow when working on a particularly ingrained habit or emotion, but it seems to be a case of chipping away persistently, until each negative state reduces in its size and intensity. I can think of several persistent habits, which I knew were harmful and wanted to stop, but I would then sometimes find myself in a situation of knowing that I’m walking into a trap of the ego, but somehow not being able to resist the temptation. However, with persistence, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to see that it is actually possible to change deeply ingrained ways of acting and thinking.

    Thanks again for sharing your experience. I wish you every success with your continued efforts.

    • Hi Michael,

      I can relate to this knowing you are walking into a trap of the ego, ie. continuing a harmful behaviour or action even when on some level you want to change, but not being able to resist it at that time.

      It reminded me of how in a talk Mark mentions that in the beginning he had many bad habits and kept being pulled back into them, away from the direction of spiritual development, and made many mistakes, but with total dedication to the spiritual path he was able to move forward. He said he didn’t let the mistakes bring him down but took them as something to learn from. His dedication and wisdom are hugely inspiring.

      I’ve come to see more and more how this attitude is very important to allow progress to be made; how if you allow yourself to feel down or even beat yourself up about mistakes, it actually stops change from taking place, and it stops you from objectively studying and learning from the mistakes and taking rational steps to change.

      It’s wonderful to hear you’ve been able to change harmful habits and behaviours with persistent work over time. Thank you for sharing and also wish you lots of strength to continue with it!

      • Yes, I agree that Mark’s dedication and wisdom have been a huge inspiration Laura. The attitude he mentioned of not being brought down by mistakes, but learning from them instead is a good approach. We don’t gain anything by beating ourselves up about our mistakes, but if we can see the mistake clearly and work to correct it, we can gain a lot.

About Belsebuub

Prior to withdrawing from public life in 2010, author Belsebuub had written several books and many articles on the topic of self-discovery. Read more

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