There was a period where an interplay of depression and anxiety would cripple me, sometimes taking me into what felt like ‘catatonic’ states, where I could only sit in one place and not move for a length of time.
Depression made me not want to move, anxiety made me feel anxious about wasting time, telling me I had to get up, but depression made me feel too depressed and overwhelmed to get up, and so on.
There was a part of me that was aware of this cycle and of the irrationality of it, but it was like these lower states were holding me down and their strength felt bigger than mine. There were others negative emotions too, such as guilt, fear, shame… They had a distressing effect on my life.
One time I had fallen into a strong negative state. I was lying on my bed and desperately pleading for help to the divine. Then within me, I felt my Divine Mother’s response, “It is up to you to get out of it. You have to be the one who gives it up.” I recognized I had that choice, but I didn’t have the strength to do it.
Later on I was yearning to understand this cycle I felt trapped into, and wondered why I couldn’t seem to apply the self-knowledge techniques I had learned from Belsebuub’s courses. I started to listen to his talks and read his books and articles more actively.
I wasn’t expecting it, but surprisingly sentences started popping out from the talks and books, or even from things my friends or husband said, almost like they were “highlighted,” giving me insights, helping me to understand my inner states.
It felt as if when I had started to really long for the answers and for spiritual improvement, someone started to guide and teach me internally.
Empowering Insight From a Talk
One week I heard some upsetting news, and this triggered an episode of fear and anxiety that paralyzed me for the rest of the day. Despite the new learning, I had not taken steps to put the insights into practice and everything was still the same.
When it had passed I felt remorse for allowing this cycle to repeat again, for letting it take me into an irrational panicked state, then into a dizzy, drained, discouraged state, and for seeing the effect it had on those around me. This was not the way I wanted to live my life, but I still felt lost.
The next day I was listening to a talk that Belsebuub gave on fear, where he says,
“[Fear] is one of the main things we tackle as we study ourselves.
We have to realize that we are not that fear. (..). Sometimes it seems overwhelming. But the real us, the essence of us, is not that fear or any other kind of similar emotion.
(..) Try to be as aware as possible, and do whatever you know in the esoteric work to reduce that fear and to separate yourself from it. You need to understand it is not really you fundamentally. It’s a state, a state of nature.” ~ Belsebuub
This was really helpful to hear, but what gave me a real insight was:
“Fear in itself is a problem. Fear in itself is something that we need to understand and something that we need to remove, whatever it is in relation towards”. ~ Belsebuub
“Whatever it is in relation towards.” I held a belief that I needed to worry and be afraid about certain topics. The worry, anxiety, fear, guilt, etc., had convinced me that by being in these lower emotions I could somehow keep bad things away, that I had to suffer like this to atone for something, to keep worse suffering from coming to me – essentially to control the things causing the fear. I realized this way of thinking did not make sense.
Now hearing the talk from Belsebuub gave me comfort and faith – I realized I didn’t need to give into these worries, or be afraid or anxious about anything. I understood it didn’t mean I could just ignore or not care about what made me afraid, but that these negative states were not the way to deal with these issues.
Not Allowing the Fear In
In the afternoon of that day I went for a walk. The egos of fear I had been identified with the previous day now still had momentum and tried to triggered thoughts to pull me back into their grip – convincing ones that I thought were true.
However I remembered my insight from Belsebuub’s talk, so I said ‘no’ to them and cleared them. It felt a little tough at first, but I held onto that faith.
If I started to listen to what they were telling me and believe it was true, getting identified with them, I would feel weaker and feel their grip on me strengthening. But when I went against them, not believe them and not allow them at all, I could be detached from them and clear them.
I didn’t end up going into a paralyzing state as previously. It was refreshing and amazing to have control over them instead of them over me. I didn’t need to allow them to ruin my life! How come was it so simple and clear where I had been so confused before, I wondered.
In the coming days and weeks the power of this insight faded. I could notice some strong negative states coming up from time to time when they were triggered by something external. I intrinsically understood that because I had given them ‘food’ and ‘momentum’ in the past, now they were coming back in the same strength to drag me down. But I remembered my insight though and kept clearing the states and no longer allowed them to paralyze me. I had gained valuable guidance and experience – it was up to me to stop being the victim of these negative emotions and take charge of my inner life, and it was all possible.