For some time, I had been struggling with recognizing what was dragging me down an unproductive path and ebbing away the momentum I had created with spiritual practices.
I identified very much with this habit and truly saw no way to overcome it or act in a different way. I was almost convinced it would be impossible. When I tried, I would make some progress here and there, but no breakthrough and no sustainable change.
I realized my lack of understanding of how this group of egos functioned within me was the main problem, and so I aimed to renew my efforts in observing it more closely whenever it came up.
This is one of the most vital techniques I learned from Belsebuub because it has allowed me to open many doors to understanding myself better and getting free of negative or spiritually harmful states.
I also worked to become more persistent with the meditation on an ego practice to try to uncover what was going on within me. I remember still feeling like it would be an impossible feat, but I tried to be hopeful. I prayed often for understanding and tried to get closer to my divine mother, a guiding and loving force especially when I’m struggling with a challenging inner state.
One evening, I was finishing up some work and I still hadn’t done the meditation practice I scheduled for myself. I didn’t really feel like it at that point but I knew I had to make myself do it if I wanted to put a dent into my current dilemma, so I went to my bedroom and got started.
During the practice, I tried to pinpoint the earliest manifestation of this ego, and as far back as I could go was around when I was 12 years old, no sooner. About halfway through, I was having a lot of trouble concentrating and had all kinds of excuses coming up: that it was too late in the evening; I was too tired; I should try tomorrow and use the time better.
Familiar with these alluring thoughts, I persisted with tuning them out and coming back to the practice. However, as it felt like the practice didn’t have much strength due to the poor concentration, I began feeling very remorseful that I didn’t have a greater command over my mind and fervently asked my divine mother’s forgiveness for the time I was wasting in the practice.
A little bit after the prayers, while still battling to delve deeper into the practice, I started feeling that expansive sensation of heightened consciousness (which I attempted to describe here) and felt so much like something or someone was pulling me back to the practice and infusing it with strength.
Right in the midst of that sensation, a childhood family activity (going back much earlier than 12 years old!) flashed over my mind’s eye and, within it, a version of the ego I was studying became really clear.
It gave me such a vital piece of the puzzle that I never would have considered even relevant. From there, I could tie together the other aspects of the defect that I had understood and could see a deeper layer to it. As these realizations were unfolding, it all felt very right, one moment of “aha!” after another.
I was so excited to finally have a better understanding of this inner state and went to bed really hopeful. For the days following, I wanted to verify this new knowledge and see if I would be able to spot the mechanisms of the ego more clearly.
Each time I felt a pull to be swept away by its current, I observed that what was happening within matched what I saw in the meditation. Since I knew where it would lead me, it was much easier to go against it.
After doing this several times for a while, I could look back on this way of being without the strong longing present that I had for it before. I felt much freer and like I was in charge again – a world of a difference from feeling trapped and almost hopeless.
In retrospect, this short moment of help during the meditation turned out to be a very impactful one for me. It definitely made me more enthusiastic about the meditation on an ego practice. 😊
Nice one Zorana! It seems it really takes these ‘going the extra mile’ efforts to break into new territory with the inner work, and so often it boils down to that combination of remorse, prayer, and determination. I can relate, as I’m sure everyone who’s tried to use the meditation practise to change, to the battle between your enthusiasm and excuses, it’s a constant struggle and diligence really pays off, especially sitting down to practise when you’ve already ‘set a date’ with your divine mother.
I’ve had so many meditations where I’m just sitting in another version of thinking … building up concetration really helps, but so does that imploring of divine help. It’s incredible how a practise can be transformed through asking.
Wishing you many more breakthroughs!
Thanks, Ella, for the insights you shared — especially the “sitting in another version of thinking.” I know I’ve had “meditations” where I would only realize later that I was approaching the learning through a mindset — instead of through awareness and being more open to the new, I would try to discover something through the eyes of what I already know. It would only result in something I made up with my mind versus a spontaneous understanding with an observant approach.
That’s really amazing Zorana that you managed to persevere through the meditation practice with the help of your divine mother.
I’ve also seen sometimes that, recognizing I have reached some kind of insurmountable limit, if I submit to the divine something may come up.
Your experience is very inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Zorana for sharing this experience!
After reading your article I attempted the same practice (meditation on an ego) to gain an understanding of my personal inner psychological state that I felt has been causing problems for me and I was struggling in the practice to stay focused. During my practice I felt that I was not getting deep enough with my understanding and could only see the ego as I already new it (the aspects I was familiar with) and I was also finding it difficult to stay focused drifting of again and again.
I feel that your experience had a powerful impact on me only reading it a couple of days before I did the practice, because during my practice I felt something inside me that I should keep trying with it. And I did just that until I came to a breakthrough finally the practice started to flow and I began seeing more of the ego that I had never seen before. I feel that reading your experience was strengthening and helped me during the difficulty I faced whilst attempting to do the same exercise.
Thanks again and wishing you lots of strength going forward.
Penny
That’s really great to know, Penny, that sharing the experience here awakened that bit of inspiration and determination for you. I can safely say I’ve had similar impacts from others sharing their breakthroughs or failures and struggling to overcome them. It’s been very motivating and encouraging to have this space here to take part in.
I’m so glad you got a boost in your practice. I hope the momentum carries you forward into other unknown realms 🙂
Hi Zorana
Those moments of “aha” you describe sound very familiar. It is amazing what can be achieved when one goes against their ego states and persists with the practice no matter what – it seems there is always help to push things even further.
I wish you all the best in your inner search.
Thank you, Zorana. This inspires me to meditate on an emotion that I’ve been struggling with for some time, that seems like it will never go away. Now I want to ask my Divine Mother for help like you did. I really like how you asked her for forgiveness for wasting time and stayed close to her during the practice. I’ve found that just talking to her during my day even, explaining to her what is happening, how I’m confused or afraid, brings a feeling of being helped, right there and then.
Hi Zoranna,
I absolutely loved reading how you were able to overcome those obstacles, and how your prayers and asking for help were answered. It was so inspiring and motivating as well to read how your practice unfolded and how you were able to gain some much needed information thanks to your asking.
For sure, I feel that the deep yearning you had to change what you were going through was very important, yet what you describe also made me see once more how much we need this help from above, from the divine, to move forward, and that asking and praying is a really so fundamental to that relationship with the divine and the humility needed. Thank you so very much for sharing, like Pavlin, it was also something I needed to read.
Best wishes to keep forging ahead with new understanding 🙂
Thanks, Geraldine, for your wishes, and I’m happy to hear that sharing this experience has been inspiring for you in some way. I agree that the asking is sometimes an underestimated power/tool when struggling to attain some kind of understanding or clarity, wisdom, peace, whatever it may be. I’m often surprised by just how vital it actually is and how many gifts we can open ourselves up to receiving when we remember to call on the light.
That’s great you were able to use meditation on an ego to gain understanding of such a big obstacle. It can be such a powerful practice when done properly.
I’m glad you persisted through those distractions and asked for help. I know that feeling only too well of my mind wandering too much and my practice feeling unproductive. It seems a sincere prayer for help made all the difference, both during the meditation on an ego and afterwards.
I think I should ask for more help in my practices when they are going off track! Thanks for sharing your experience, Zorana!
It seems like the help you received in that practice was very important indeed. But I would definitely say that your own choice to do what you knew was good, even though you didn’t feel like it, was also fundamental. Great work!
“I realized my lack of understanding of how this group of egos functioned within me was the main problem, and so I aimed to renew my efforts in observing it more closely whenever it came up.” This was inspiring for me to read somehow. I think with a refreshed open attitude and a clear observation we might be able to see many new things in situations we think we already know about.
I love it when the momentum within a meditation practice goes well :-)! and am concentrated and in the flow of study that these ‘aha’ moments come.
Thanks Zorana, this was a great read as I’m jumping into the practice room now for a meditation practice.
I know what you mean, Karim, about doing what you know will pay off but you don’t feel like it — it’s something that I have to remind myself of often it seems. Like in this experience, it really was very beneficial. I think maybe when we don’t see results relatively soon (like I did here), discouragement seeps in and then that’s another obstacle to work through so that we persist with whatever the activity may be in order to reap the benefits. Through all this and with whatever comes up, I find the basics — like proper observation — are a good thing to return to. There’s a quote by Belsebuub that comes to mind: “If you can learn how to see what is within yourself clearly and precisely, you will be able to change it, thus changing your actions, your life, and your whole interactions with others.” Not a bad motto to live by 😉
It’s really good you were able to gain a new insight, in order to overcome the obstacles you faced Zorana. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Hi Zorana,
I needed to read this now, thank you for sharing 🙂 I can relate how sometimes it seems like you’re against a wall much bigger than you when you try to understand and work on something that has an enormous grip on how you feel, think and act. Your experience sounds really hopeful. Wish you many more freeing revelations!