I was very excited to discover the work of Belsebuub because he places self-knowledge at the heart of what he writes and speaks about.
I’ve often thought that if one wants to change, one needs more than just practising a simple meditation, the type that just makes you feel relaxed and calm, as it won’t get one far in terms of a real change.
I thought something else was needed and that is a psychological work on one’s own undesirable emotions, thoughts and feelings.
Finally Finding a Way
Some years before I started attending Belsebuub’s courses I noticed that I needed to work on my emotions if I didn’t want my life to continue the way it was, full of emotional turmoil.
I started to analyse my emotional states but I felt that something was lacking, I didn’t seem to be able to get rid of them. They were just repeating year after year and I felt, although very aware of them, that I couldn’t do much. I felt trapped.
I remember when I learned about the analysis of an inner state that Belsebuub explains in his work I was so glad that I started to practice it and meditating twice a day for some time. This was because I observed that I had a strong aspect of anger that I just wanted to really get rid of.
I had this very strong will and drive to be free of that aspect of me but I also wanted to try out this meditation on an ego, to see how it works and what I could get out of it.
The Tools for Change
Apart from the meditation on an ego, I also learned about the ego elimination technique, which can be used in daily life. I would practice both the meditation and the elimination on an ego during the day, as they work together.
So for example in a daily life if I would spot an emotion of that aspect of an anger inside of me and I would use this elimination technique to remove it. Then later on when I would sit down to do an analysis of an ego I would look over that occurrence in a detached way which would help me to see it for what it is and in that way, I would gain a deeper understanding of it.
I had learned in the course that without this understanding gained in the moment, that we cannot fully get rid of those emotions, so I was so happy to have those tools that worked as magic together in helping me diminish these heavy emotions that weighed me down so much.
The Fight for Inner Change
At the time when I learned about these techniques, I shared a flat with another person. We were flatmates. We had a very different way of living and soon we started to have arguments. I felt this very strong anger inside of me and I can see how my perspective of them changed.
Now that I had learned a new way of dealing with such unwanted emotions, I felt that I had the right circumstances to practice it as this ego was flaring so much within me that it was easy to be looked at.
I had this very strong will and determination to work on it. I would practice in the morning for about an hour and in the evening as well.
During the practice I would somehow get into a very calm and focused state so the whole of the practice was unraveling in front of my eyes without me actually doing it, at least it felt like that.
It felt as though all effort I put into it was to sit down and to calm my mind with a mantra that can be used in this practice. Soon, as I calmed my mind I would get the picture of the ego very clearly in my mind and could see it operating in my life.
As I was doing this twice a day it became clear that the events of my life at that time were played out in accordance with the practice. I would be tested on a daily basis to assess the progress and little by little I noticed my reactions toward my flat mate were becoming a lot calmer.
Something that also came to my attention at that time was that I often met with negative entities in the astral during the night. I understood that it was because these negative entities were just trying to stop me from doing what I was doing with this ego, which gave me even more determination to carry on, and the fear of those astral night encounters subsided.
After some time the person who lived with me moved away and one day when they came to visit there was a play of that situation that brought up that ego that I had been studying, but I didn’t go along with it and instead used the elimination technique to remove it.
They instantly commented how I have changed and that I must have been working on it. They seemed quite happy and excited about it.
For me, that was a great support and encouragement to keep learning about this ego, as it gave me a proof that the mediation on an ego really works together with the elimination of the negative states, as Belsebuub had explained in his work.