A short time ago I had to face a certain problem in one of my relationships which had a negative influence on me and was very difficult to overcome and handle myself. It caused me much pain and suffering, and I couldn’t understand why such a relationship could hurt me so deeply.
My mind tended to be stuck with the problem, chatting continuously about it, thinking about the scenes I’ve lived with the people that I believed were unfair towards me and who I thought were acting wrong, criticizing them and complaining. Negative feelings appeared continuously against them, growing every time stronger and I remember crying a lot.
I was so much stuck in the problem that it was difficult to focus on anything else in my day. I also had trouble sleeping at night many times as a result. It was very difficult for me to accept how some particular people had acted towards me and the fact that I had to face a particular unpleasant consequences from my own choices in the relationship.
Praying to My Divine Mother
In this state I had a deep need to turn to my Divine Mother asking her for help. “Why was this happening to me?” “Why was there so much pain if I was treated unjustly?” “What did I have to understand?” “What was I missing?” “What was the truth about the event I was facing?”
I could sense that somewhere I was wrong, but things were very complicated and thick and I couldn’t observe clearly within me and see where was I going wrong. I used to go for walks in a small forest near my house trying to connect with my Divine Mother, remembering myself and trying to understand.
Morning Meditation Practices
I had learned the meditation on an ego practice from Belsebuub’s courses, and found that every morning I had a deep need to wake up very early to meditate upon the related thoughts, emotions, scenes and also dreams that followed afterwards. This brought me much needed healing, reducing my pain and giving me the strength to focus on other things for some hours in the beginning of my day at least. The morning meditations were like a medicine, which I couldn’t live without during that period.
Usually each time I would meditate, I was given more or less information about the problem, helping me to get detached from it a little, but even if my practice hadn’t brought full resolution or success, reflecting on the problem helped me find for a while some peace and healing. The best information usually came when sleep could take me lightly and peacefully away, leaving me waiting patiently in the practice, trying to see.
Getting out of the Scene I Was Investigating
In one of those morning practices, I remember myself for a moment getting out of the scene I was meditating upon, seeing it from above, completely detached from it. It was so peaceful and relieving to see it from there and I was shocked with what I saw, the truth was completely different.
The ego that was hurt in me, was the same of the person I accused, a very particular aspect of it, combined and mixed up with other particular elements, hiding behind all my actions, controlling me carefully, directing me in everything.
I saw a wider perception of how it worked and understood the hidden real reasons of my actions in this relationship. Automatically I couldn’t care anymore about how anyone else acted and felt I had forgiven the people I was complaining about. It didn’t make any sense not to, whatever they did or didn’t do. Also I could feel my responsibility for letting things roll this way.
Why do I have to suffer so much to understand simple things in me? Looking back afterwards, the signs were so obvious, but I knew deeply I wouldn’t be able to see them without passing through this inner struggle and pain.
This is something I have wondered and reflected upon many times in my life. I knew that the particular aspect of this ego was huge and had an unbelievable power upon me, needing much more work and prayer, but I felt grateful for being shown the reality of how I lived in this relationship.
My own search, prayer and the meditative processes helped me understand my deep weak point in relationships much further, helping me to learn how to face and observe the details of this ego’s function in my daily life.
Life is much more simple and peaceful without these egos, it’s magical to be able to get free from them even at a small level, reality is completely different from what my mind imagines and what my senses understand.