A short time ago I had to face a certain problem in one of my relationships which had a negative influence on me and was very difficult to overcome and handle myself. It caused me much pain and suffering, and I couldn’t understand why such a relationship could hurt me so deeply.
My mind tended to be stuck with the problem, chatting continuously about it, thinking about the scenes I’ve lived with the people that I believed were unfair towards me and who I thought were acting wrong, criticizing them and complaining. Negative feelings appeared continuously against them, growing every time stronger and I remember crying a lot.
I was so much stuck in the problem that it was difficult to focus on anything else in my day. I also had trouble sleeping at night many times as a result. It was very difficult for me to accept how some particular people had acted towards me and the fact that I had to face a particular unpleasant consequences from my own choices in the relationship.
Praying to My Divine Mother
In this state I had a deep need to turn to my Divine Mother asking her for help. “Why was this happening to me?” “Why was there so much pain if I was treated unjustly?” “What did I have to understand?” “What was I missing?” “What was the truth about the event I was facing?”
I could sense that somewhere I was wrong, but things were very complicated and thick and I couldn’t observe clearly within me and see where was I going wrong. I used to go for walks in a small forest near my house trying to connect with my Divine Mother, remembering myself and trying to understand.
Morning Meditation Practices
I had learned the meditation on an ego practice from Belsebuub’s courses, and found that every morning I had a deep need to wake up very early to meditate upon the related thoughts, emotions, scenes and also dreams that followed afterwards. This brought me much needed healing, reducing my pain and giving me the strength to focus on other things for some hours in the beginning of my day at least. The morning meditations were like a medicine, which I couldn’t live without during that period.
Usually each time I would meditate, I was given more or less information about the problem, helping me to get detached from it a little, but even if my practice hadn’t brought full resolution or success, reflecting on the problem helped me find for a while some peace and healing. The best information usually came when sleep could take me lightly and peacefully away, leaving me waiting patiently in the practice, trying to see.
Getting out of the Scene I Was Investigating
In one of those morning practices, I remember myself for a moment getting out of the scene I was meditating upon, seeing it from above, completely detached from it. It was so peaceful and relieving to see it from there and I was shocked with what I saw, the truth was completely different.
The ego that was hurt in me, was the same of the person I accused, a very particular aspect of it, combined and mixed up with other particular elements, hiding behind all my actions, controlling me carefully, directing me in everything.
I saw a wider perception of how it worked and understood the hidden real reasons of my actions in this relationship. Automatically I couldn’t care anymore about how anyone else acted and felt I had forgiven the people I was complaining about. It didn’t make any sense not to, whatever they did or didn’t do. Also I could feel my responsibility for letting things roll this way.
Personal Reflections
Why do I have to suffer so much to understand simple things in me? Looking back afterwards, the signs were so obvious, but I knew deeply I wouldn’t be able to see them without passing through this inner struggle and pain.
This is something I have wondered and reflected upon many times in my life. I knew that the particular aspect of this ego was huge and had an unbelievable power upon me, needing much more work and prayer, but I felt grateful for being shown the reality of how I lived in this relationship.
My own search, prayer and the meditative processes helped me understand my deep weak point in relationships much further, helping me to learn how to face and observe the details of this ego’s function in my daily life.
Life is much more simple and peaceful without these egos, it’s magical to be able to get free from them even at a small level, reality is completely different from what my mind imagines and what my senses understand.
Hi, Maria!
It was great to read about your experience and even more to see that you moved on in your struggle to understand yourself through the relationships with others. I also feel that the meditation on an ego practice is an amazing tool for understanding ourselves and others. What stood out to me is that you saw the same ego in yourself which you had seen in the other person and which was unpleasant for you. In my own investigations, I found that we as people are not so different as we seem to be and that our egos often have similar patterns and behaviours. For example, somewhere inside of me I feel bad for having certain kinds of problems (egos) and for that reason would judge myself for it and as a consequence would not accept it in others. It seems that this forgiveness starts with ourselves – after a certain understanding is reached, we forgive ourselves then we can forgive others.
Hi Tina,
Seeing the same ego in me, gave me forgiveness for the other person exactly because I understood we are the same and for that could see his position too. And it’s this understanding through Belsebuubs practices that makes me automatically change my behavior. Yes, it is that forgiveness stars from ourselves firstly, from the moment we are able to accept the unpleasant things we see in us. Thant’s how it works for me too. Thanks for highlighting this.
It’s very nice to hear from you, take care and wishing you the best!
I can relate to what you mentioned here Lucia, about how the actions of others that are currently the most hurtful to us can be the very things we had great difficulty in overcoming in the past. For example, I find it very frustrating when I need to spend a prolonged amount of time with people who have strongly ingrained characteristics of a particular nature, such as irresponsibility, laziness, disorganisation or inconsideration, especially when these characteristics impact upon my living or working environment in a significant way.
However, despite making it a priority to remove these negative traits from my own behaviour, I know they were once very strong in me and to some extent even defined me, causing a lot of difficulties not only for myself, but also for others around me. So although being on the receiving end of these bad actions can be tough to experience, I’ve found it can be the clearest way of seeing the harm that my own actions have caused in the past. Then like you said, this can solidify the determination to not want to have anything to do with those negative behaviours anymore, as it’s clear how destructive they can be for everyone involved.
Hi Maria,
thanks for sharing your experience with the meditation practice and how it was a ‘medicine’ for you during the painful struggle with negative emotions. Imagining you waking up early for this dialogue with the divine and how it directed you during a challenging storm reminded me of the power of this practice.
I’ve also found in the past that when I’m able to face head-on challenges that arise through maintaining my practise and turning inwards for guidance, rather than allowing the difficulty and shame of experiencing these lower emotions to turn me away from the divine, that the whole experience of going through difficulties is transformed. Though it’s so easy to become demoralised when faced with these lower emotions and feeling poisonous, learning ‘how to suffer’ and how to approach difficulties is such a keystone of the work to change … one I know I’ve got a long way to understand!
I’m trying to maintain this practise, even when things are going ‘OK’ – it’s an anchor in a storm, but when used consistently it really helps in making breakthroughs and in feeling a stronger connection within. I really like how you describe the sense of waiting patiently and trying to see – getting to this place of being eager to learn, and to repent, is such a receptive position.
So glad you found a peace in your relationships! Wishing you much more!
Hi Ella, happy to hear you. Meditation practices are an anchor in everyday’s life storm for me too even when everything is ok, and at periods when I don’t manage to maintain them I feel the absence of what they give me in my day and in my dreams. Combining this practice with sleep, as Belsebuub describes, makes it more inspiring for me too and gives me in it the patient I need.
Wishing you to find the peace and understanding each time you need in your relationships too, and all that you need in your meditation practices and esoteric efforts!
So lovely Maria! how this practice was like a medicine to you. It certainly is amazing that through it we can start turning the horrible things inside us around completely, bringing freedom and peace within. After reading your story and seeing that image at the beach I could almost hear the peaceful sound of the waves 🙂
I’m so glad you have worked/are working your way out of those negative state within. I know what you mean that they can so strongly take over our psyche, so that we can’t even get to sleep or not be free of the relentless thoughts going over it again,… and again.
To say again I really liked how you described how the practice felt to you, in the morning there, like a medicine. A nice incentive for me to do the practice tonight. All the best in your journey of inner change Maria!
Hi Karim, Hope you are well. Happy to hear you got inspired, you too have inspired me many times with your experiences and reflections. The picture with the beach inspired Yannis too, from the moment he took it.
Wishing you much inspiration and the best in your inner efforts!
Thank you Maria for a reminder about the meditation on an ego practice. Unlike you I do not have a routine with it, but after reading your account want to try it more.
Hi Alex. nice t hear you. It’s really a big support for me when I manage to maintain this practice.
Wishing the best for you towards exploring and maintaining it and towards all your inner efforts!
Thanks Maria!
Thank you, Maria. Your experience really touched me. Especially your prayers to your Divine Mother about helping you to understand what was happening. Lack of forgiveness can be so painful, and I struggle with this, especially towards myself. And I also feel what a relief it would be to be free of certain emotions. Going through painful things makes me pray a lot more, and brings me closer to my Divine Mother. And I know there is a gift in that. But I want to meditate more and go deeper, the way you did.
Yes Anne Linn, it’s a real relief to get rid of these emotions and going through painful things does makes me pray more, and when this has repeated many times, afterwards, there’s a feeling of responsibility towards my Divine Mother or a kind of need or strength that remains inwardly, pushing me to continue my attempt for this contact and this is a strong momentum for my esoteric efforts, as you say a big gift.
Wishing you always to have contact with your Divine Mother and the best!
Thank you, Maria, for sharing your experience. That sounds like an immensely difficult problem to face; relationships can be such painful testing grounds. It is inspiring to read about your personal reflections, sincerity in prayer, and diligence in practice.
Your seeing the relationship from above and seeing the ego of the other person within yourself is also incredibly powerful and insightful. It’s hard to admit, but often the things in others that most offend us are reflections of what we have within…
I was also struck by how you describe those morning meditations as your medicine. It’s a beautiful analogy, and I think so true. When we are sincere in changing, the insights we gain about our defects are precious and do serve as a medicine for our soul, gradually bringing us freedom from darkness.
Thanks again for sharing this. I feel inspired now.
Relationships have always been a challenge for me, even if things go smoothly, there’s comes a time were difficulties appear even only inwardly, and that can be only because of my egos that come at the surface. Without these egos controlling me, things are completely different. Big problems in relationships, as this one, make me go back through retrospection ,search and discover details of how these egos have been fed even through these smoothly relationships and everyday habits. And, yes, usually what offends me more, is what I have within very strongly, if only I could have the clearness within to see that without having to suffer, but usually I don’t, these egos need much more study and to be continues observed and tackled, in their everyday small details.
Thank you Mike for sharing your insights too and wishing you the best in your self-discovery research!
Thanks very much Maria for sharing your struggle to overcome those negative responses to a difficult relationship. I can relate to some of the difficulties you mentioned in changing my automatic responses to others’ behaviour and the inability to see the harm that my own actions were causing. There is so much we can learn about our own psyche by observing ourselves in our interactions with others, particularly if we use the practices you mentioned to understand our behaviour more deeply.
It’s great that through persistence with the meditation practice, you were able to gain some completely new insights on the situation. I think the question that you asked: “why do I have to suffer so much to understand simple things in me?” is something that is relevant to most of us. It is unfortunate that we can so easily make the same mistakes over and over again, causing suffering to ourselves and those around us. But, as you mentioned, this seems to be part of the process of learning and gaining understanding that we all go through, from childhood onwards.
Although this process of learning can be very unpleasant to experience, I’ve found that going through difficulties can actually be beneficial in the long term, as we can then be in a much better position to understand and help others who are in similar situations. I feel that we can also gain a much greater understanding of our place in life, and appreciate more what a precious gift it is and how important it is to use it well.
I hope that you will be able to gain many more insights through your practices and with the help of your divine mother. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences of gaining self-knowledge though the difficulties of life.
Thank you Michael for sharing your reflections. Relationships many times have been a challenge for me in order to see inwardly and face myself and these practices we’ve learned in Belsebubs courses, uniquely useful tools towards this. I too have felt that this is the process of learning and gaining understanding and it’s wonderful to see after this how I’m able to help and stop harming others and myself. Your reflection: “I feel that we can also gain a much greater understanding of our place in life, and appreciate more what a precious gift it is and how important it is to use it well.” touched me deeply.
Wishing you the best in your inner work, gaining understanding and contact with you Divine parents through it.
Thank you very much Maria for sharing this inspiring experience, a sincere prayer is indeed a miracle. It is wonderful that you were able to see the inner workings of that particular aspect, where it comes from and how it ties with others, thanks to the meditation practice. I find it is often this complexity of the egos that prevents us from actually seeing and understanding what is happening in our daily life.
I can also very much relate to what you said about the ego within you that was hurt was the exact ego that you were accusing the other person about. It was most obvious in one situation a long time ago where I suffered a lot and prayed very hard to understand why things were happening to me. And after some time an unexpected understnding entered my mind that enabled me to see how the thing that hurt me most in that particular occasion was the same thing I used to do a lot in the past too, even though maybe in slightly different aspect or manifestations, but the basis was the same. Only after I was able to feel the pain I realised how harmful that behavior of mine was, and was able to truly repent from it. I literally felt like “I don’t want to have anything to do with this behavior anymore”.
Wishing you a lot of inner strength to continue your spiritual work!
Thanks Lucia for your wishes. Indeed it’s like you say: “Only after I was able to feel the pain I realized how harmful that behavior of mine was”. Many times I have to be hurt, in order to really understand and want to get rid of my bad behavior, and reflecting on the occasion after, I see that unfortunately without this pain I wouldn’t be able to understand.
I find prayer a miracle too, a big support in my life and a beautiful way to contact with my heart and Divine Parents.
Wishing you a lot of inner strength too and what each time you need most!