I decided to make it my aim one day to see what was possible using the techniques that Belsebuub gives for awareness and self-observation, to really break through and see if I could properly use awareness and catch every single thing coming up within me for a short time frame.
I had firmly and seriously put this as a goal in my mind, and even did such things as setting an alarm for it on my phone. I was going to spend a particular 30 minutes in the afternoon in ‘continuous’ awareness and self-observation.
Beforehand during the day I was already working towards it, building up momentum and ‘training’ for it. I didn’t want to let one moment go by, not let any thought slip. That was the goal anyway.
While I was trying this, my awareness was strong and I felt in control. But what was more astounding to me was how striving for a continuity in my awareness affected my level of self-observation.
A Chance to Clearly See My Egos
At one point, I went up to talk to some colleagues. This is normally very difficult because often others expect me to react in a certain way.
So the force of the egos demanding this from me was very strong, trying to squeeze me into that way of interacting and there was a great fear of not doing so. But because of the build up of efforts and the goal I’d set I was able to not give in, stay in awareness and be myself.
This felt very liberating.
One striking insight I got at that time was in realising just how much I can learn in half an hour! This made me consider that fast inner progress is very much possible.
Learning from this Experience
This day had such an impact that I wrote about it in my journal at the time and wanted to share it here:
“The result was amazing. It felt a bit like an archer looking through the floor of the subconscious (not the best analogy) But when being in that focused state I could see thoughts and emotions coming up very clearly, and seeing a few layers/levels/branches beyond it as well in the instant, especially of the ego’s that I’ve looked into before. Like a detail of a creature popping its head out wanting to get in, immediately seen, along with the rest of its body, shot with an arrow, and back to perception of the five senses.”
Building on My Previous Efforts & Giving It Another Shot
At another time, feeling dissatisfied with my level of inner work during the day I again decided to aim for a ‘super effort.’ This time I planned my whole day around it and I felt how each activity was raising me towards it.
This time I was going to try continuous awareness on two occasions for one hour.
The First hour.
The first hour was about to start and…. I was in a different situation than I imagined I would be in. 🙂 But I had to get over that, saying to myself ‘this is my life‘ and this inner work shouldn’t be something that could only be applied in ideal situations.
One of the things was that right next to me there was a group of people having a very engaging and entertaining conversation. It was very hard to not have my mind engage, and not give an inch of response to the emotions pulling at me.
I also felt irritation trying to manifest, as it felt that they were blocking me from that ‘important goal’ I had set to be aware. But there was no room even for that attachment to my goal and I had to let go of that and do my best.
I just focused on the one simple thing I was doing which required a continuous effort.
As I stood up and walked around a bit (and there was some sunlight shining in) I felt so light, peaceful and relaxed, it was so enjoyable. I was surprised a bit by this result, maybe expecting something else. But without all the heavy states I am normally in, life was so simple, so enjoyable.
Later that day. Second hour. Second attempt.
I wanted to see the limits of what was possible for me currently. I used my mind to direct my attention to the five senses and was able to keep it there. With the consciousness active in such a way the things that would come up to disturb the awareness were instantly seen.
It felt like those ego states were completely exposed. Especially if I had studied some of them previously, now in those moments I could see and realise ‘oh that’s behind that ego.‘ I could see how those small details connected back to the main ego, like the roots and branches of a tree as Belsebuub has mentioned as an example to the structure of egos. It was incredible.
It was quite shaking what I was seeing though, because it revealed how deep these egos and ulterior motives within go. I could see, as Belsebuub says, there is light in that darkness. With these deep insights into myself I saw the need for divine help and naturally shifted to more dedicated prayer.
Briefly after I passed someone and we had a conversation. A simple thing, but because I was able to manifest and express my consciousness, and could feel a care and genuine interest in speaking to that person, it was wonderful.
These two separate experiences made me realize that if I put in the efforts necessary the potential level of self-observation is massive.
Hi Karim,
Wow thanks for sharing those great experiences with us. Reading this gives me much inspiration to work harder during the day. Because as you mentioned it is so easy to slacken off and go throughout the day asleep.
I really enjoyed how you used the mind constructively to set definitive goals towards activating the consciousness.
Thanks for sharing.
What revolutionary experiences there, Karim! It’s so inspiring to read about those goals you set and your absolute determination to maintain continuous awareness. It sounds like you got a lot out of those experiences, too!
Yes, like I mentioned in the article goal setting is so interesting. Having a plan, framework, schedule etc. Because we might actually want to do spiritual things, but without the set up to make it a reality it will not happen.
Yes Karim, I agree that having a structure and framework is very important, as although part of us may want to focus on inner change, the pull of the everyday events of life can easily replace that focus for great chunks of the day, until we are reminded of it again.
Of course, we still need to have the internal will to make self-observation and inner change priorities, otherwise we could just ignore our reminders eventually. But I’ve found there’s definitely something of value in creating order in a practical sense, as it helps me to maintain my internal focus. I find it much easier to stay focussed when there are fewer distractions around in my external environment.
Although, of course, being able to maintain internal order when surrounded by chaos is another skill to be developed, which although very difficult to do, can really be of benefit during challenging circumstances and situations.
I’m in the same boat Michael. It feels so useful to learn more about how this works.
Today again I could see again in a certain time period that without a plan the impressions of life coming at you just gradually derail me and take my energy until I feel low.
Yet in another part of the day I had set a specific focus. I could see how different impressions or temptations would come, but I would deny them and instead of being brought down it actually generated a little strength and willpower. I continued doing this and sticking to my plan and reached a momentum, at one point I got to a little plateau where it was tempting to be content, but I saw that was in a way already one of those temptations again and I continued sticking to my plan. Etc. In short fruitful psychologically and energetically as well as uplifting. Concentration and the ‘principle of the struggle’ are also part of this all.
Anyway very interesting to explore.
Hi Karim, It’s great that you were able to reach these kinds of states while practising awareness. I can relate to what you are saying about the need to have a goal and using the mind to support it, such as when we need to be reminded and keep the focus at all times. There are so many things in life that take me away from that goal but when the intensity is reached and maintained I can see that something amazing always happens. Thanks for the sharing and the inspiration.
Thank you Tina. I agree it’s so important to be reminded of getting back to the basics again and again. Because the subconscious program leads us away from it again and again as well. So before we know it we’re not actually doing the real psychological work anymore, but rather our subconscious program has taken ‘awakening’ as a goal, or even further from that we might be stuck in trying to create the external circumstances to make the inner work happen or whatever. Having in fact already lost track within.
But the main thing is: To be. The Awareness.
Coupled with self-observation that is ; – )
That point really came forward not so long ago. Earlier in that day, I went through an event and completely reacted to it. I was just agreeing with all that the egos wanted to say and do. During it thought at some point, something within me woke up and I no longer wanted to go along it anymore. After a short while, I was disappointed that I had even given it that much of me but that’s what it was, so I tried to understand what happened but I couldn’t.
Thankfully a similar type of event happened about an hour later on and I started to react again, but this time because of the earlier event, I was determined not to let go of this opportunity, so while I was still reacting, I was observing, and I was seeing that ego. I was actually able to ask for the elimination of the ego as well, and as I was observing it and asking, the ego gradually reduced.
Obviously, that ego has found many ways to be strong within me, I am pretty powerless when it comes up at this point, but that determination of not wanting it helped me to keep observing it the second time.
Later on, doing an analysis, I also saw how I had little memory of the first event of what had been happening within me, all I could do, was remember the external happenings, but I could not grasp much of what that ego had been about. Yet when I started to look into the second event, it was very different. The self-observation had given me a taste of that ego, how it felt and what it wanted to say and so forth. What thoughts it was bringing back, and so forth. I was able to recall more of it from other times and I was then able to understand some of it, and my asking at the end of my meditation felt much stronger and much more sincere because of that.
Thank yoiu for sharing this Gerladine. I find it interesting how you could recall and understand much more from the second event, due to your attempts at self-observation at those moments. I have actually noticed the same, and even something I could maybe call “an empty reaction”. I mean during some situations, I notice the ego that wants to come in, but I notice it and due to some work on it from before don’t really feel the usual sensations in the emotional area and don’t REALLY care about the matter that much. However, the ego, in order not to lose the ‘face’, still protests verbally, and acts ‘as if’ I was offended while in fact, I don’t really care that much anymore. I was pondering upon this, and realised that in these moments maybe it is just pride of not wanting to let the other person to “get away with it” too easily. :-O Lots of intricacies to study for sure…
Thanks for sharing that situation Geraldine. For me it’s also like that sometimes with new or difficult situations. Basically exactly as you say. First the situation being gone through and reacted to by the subconscious without control over it and sight into it. Then I also often feel disappointed with myself later on. And the next time, in remembering that I spot a few of the details and don’t go along so much. Meditating and figuring it out is especially good at that stage for me. It’s great when after much study we can see many layers into it and the ego’s attempt to manifest is only very subtle and weak.
Hey Karim very inspiring post its great your efforts really helped you to gain those experiences, I think I will also set myself this goal and give it a go through out the day thanks for the focus ; )
All the best with exploring this approach Richard!
I’m also still always continually figuring out how to make the psychological work work well. Sometimes I try to set goals and they don’t really hold up against the waves of distractions that come my way. I think when looking back on these experiences, in regards to goal setting in the mind, I was in reality already putting in a lot of effort leading up to those set times and this gave my goal a lot of strength.
Thanks Karim. It’s great that you were able to experience a new level of awareness as a result of your persistent efforts. It shows what it’s possible to reach, if we can develop the discipline to go against the emotions and fight for inner clarity instead.
Yes I find it great to experiment like this sometimes. Try to experience things beyond the normal basics. Despite us not being able to perceive it often, or only subtly, there is a whole existence of mystery out there, if we can manage to break out of our shell. Astral travel is a good example of this.
I love this, thank you for sharing Karim. It makes me feel how much is possible if we just try and don’t put limits on ourselves. There are thoughts in my mind saying what I can and cannot do, but I feel eager now to just try, and then try again. To keep pushing forward. Your experiences also made me feel how simple and beautiful life can be without those heavy emotions.
Thanks Anne linn. Definitely, without all the endless and constant complications of the program of nature in overdrive, it’s just so simple and nice, free and peaceful.
But I’m definitely not getting to that state enough. Even though when it happens or feels so natural.
Hi Karim,
this was really inspiring to read – thank you. It came as I was within a long work day, on the computer, quite at a distance from my inner work, especially the revolutionary sense your investigation reminds me is needed. After reading it, especially your surprise at how much can be experienced in half an hour, I really set my mind to sensing the spiritual while I was in this mundane situation. And I could. I could relax, focus, feel beauty around me, all these things I often trick myself into believing are somehow not possible when in certain situations.
I always remember hearing someone saying that progress in the inner work is not time-dependent. It’s effort and intensity dependent. It’s outside of time. Sure, the physical and its time-line brings us the structure we need for events to unfold, but actually our ideas of how time and progress are interlinked are probably too much weighed down by general muted efforts and a comfortableness with a certain intensity of inner work. I feel this is the case for me at least, and that I certainly need to go for more ‘super efforts’. I’ve seen how so much can happen, be felt, change, in a short amount of time, and also how stagnation can just creep in and nothing seems to move.
Thanks so much for sharing your determination, I’m going to take it into my new day now! 🙂
Yes, that’s very true Ella – inner change is effort-dependent, rather than time-dependent. I’ve found this to be true myself and remember Belsebuub mentioning the same thing in a talk, where he said it’s much better to put in nine months of solid effort, than to spend 20 years drifting along in a superficial way.
If I take the last 30 minutes that happened just now I might easily think that ‘nothing much’ took place really. But I’ve seen that that’s completely untrue! Perhaps I can vaguely see some main general reactions when thinking back. However like I mentioned in the article if I would have the right level of self-observation each detail would’ve revealed a whole story behind it.
I agree that that’s not time bound. Or think that simply knowing about the information on self-knowledge plus having time pass will bring anything.
In contrast to the examples in the article I’ve also spend almost whole days in ‘flatline consciousness’, of passive and automatic living. Where I couldn’t ‘get up’ in order to remember to see, so I wouldn’t see. A day in life gone and me empty handed.