During the day, such as when I’m at work, I try to use the techniques that Belsebuub gives for awareness and self-observation.
Firstly because when I’m aware I feel more alive, and I’m able to see the ego states inside of me, triggered by situations, in order learn about these states. And secondly, to free myself from them and increase the capacity for my aware perception of life.
However due to the typically mundane focus of everyday life and its energies, as well as my own strong subconscious pulling me to go through my day in a mechanical way, I’ve seen that it’s very easy to slip into what I consider to be a ‘mediocre’ level of practising awareness and self-observation. It’s so easy to go through the day psychologically asleep.
So I decided to make it my aim one day to really break through, to see what was possible, to see if I could properly use awareness and catch every single thing coming up within me for a short time frame.
30 minutes of Continuous Awareness
Creating an Environment around My Goal
I had firmly and seriously put this as a goal in my mind, and even did such things as setting an alarm for it on my phone. I was going to spend a particular 30 minutes in the afternoon in ‘continuous’ awareness and self-observation.
Beforehand during the day I was already working towards it, building up momentum and ‘training’ for it. I didn’t want to let one moment go by, not let any thought slip. That was the goal anyway.
The awareness was strong and beaming and I felt in control. But what was more astounding to me was how striving for a continuity in my awareness affected my level of self-observation.
A Chance to Clearly See My Egos
At one point, I went up to talk to some colleagues. This is normally very difficult because often others expect me to react in a certain way.
So the force of the egos demanding this from me was very strong, trying to squeeze me into that way of interacting and there was a great fear of not doing so. But because of the build up of efforts and the goal I’d set I was able to not give in, stay in awareness and be myself.
This felt very liberating.
One striking insight I got at that time was in realising just how much I can learn in half an hour! This made me consider that fast inner progress is very much possible.
Learning from this Experience
This day had such an impact that I wrote about it in my journal at the time and wanted to share it here:
“The result was amazing. It felt a bit like an archer looking through the floor of the subconscious (not the best analogy) But when being in that focused state I could see thoughts and emotions coming up very clearly, and seeing a few layers/levels/branches beyond it as well in the instant, especially of the ego’s that I’ve looked into before. Like a detail of a creature popping its head out wanting to get in, immediately seen, along with the rest of its body, shot with an arrow, and back to perception of the five senses.”
Building on My Previous Efforts & Giving It Another Shot
At another time, feeling dissatisfied with my level of inner work during the day I again decided to aim for a ‘super effort.’ This time I planned my whole day around it and I felt how each activity was raising me towards it.
Here I have to stress again the personal importance of setting it as a goal in my mind. Basically using my mind as a tool, where even if I feel something is too difficult or I don’t feel like doing it, the mind can still carry me through towards the goals. Belsebuub writes about the driving force of the mind and I’ve found that very important and useful to try to understand and apply in my life.
This time I was going to try continuous awareness on two occasions for one hour.
The First hour.
The first hour was about to start and…. I was in a different situation than I imagined I would be in. 🙂 But I had to get over that, saying to myself ‘this is my life‘ and this inner work shouldn’t be something that could only be applied in ideal situations.
One of the things was that right next to me there was a group of people having a very engaging and entertaining conversation. It was very hard to not have my mind engage, and not give an inch of response to the emotions pulling at me.
I also felt irritation trying to manifest, as it felt that they were blocking me from that ‘important goal’ I had set to be aware. But there was no room even for that attachment to my goal and I had to let go of that and do my best.
I just focused on the one simple thing I was doing which required a continuous effort.
As I stood up and walked around a bit (and there was some sunlight shining in) I felt so light, peaceful and relaxed, it was so enjoyable. I was surprised a bit by this result, maybe expecting something else. But without all the heavy states I am normally in, life was so simple, so enjoyable.
Later that day. Second hour. Second attempt.
I wanted to see the limits of what was possible for me currently. I used my mind to direct my attention to the five senses and was able to keep it there. With the consciousness active in such a way the things that would come up to disturb the awareness were instantly seen.
It felt like those ego states were completely exposed. Especially if I had studied some of them previously, now in those moments I could see and realise ‘oh that’s behind that ego.‘ I could see how those small details connected back to the main ego, like the roots and branches of a tree as Belsebuub has mentioned as an example to the structure of egos. It was incredible.
It was quite shaking what I was seeing though, because it revealed how deep these egos and ulterior motives within go. I could see, as Belsebuub says, there is light in that darkness. With these deep insights into myself I saw the need for divine help and naturally shifted to more dedicated prayer.
Briefly after I passed someone and we had a conversation. A simple thing, but because I was able to manifest and express my consciousness, and could feel a care and genuine interest in speaking to that person, it was wonderful.
These two separate experiences made me realize that if I put in the efforts necessary the potential level of self-observation is massive.