Some Early Observations of Pride
When I first learned about awareness and self-observation from Belsebuub’s work, I was inspired to go for lots of mindfulness walks to explore conscious awareness.
During these walks one of the recurring thoughts I kept spotting was: me being in front of a spiritual figure or authority, along with my peers, and I would state my ‘revelatory findings‘, which in that daydream would be acknowledged by that authority. This made me feel special and gain the esteem of others.
I kept trying to ask for the elimination of that daydream, this worked to some extent, but it was obvious I needed to investigate pride and understand it more deeply.
A different scenario. I was sitting on my own on the top deck of a bus, the local public transport. At the next stop, walking up the stairs of the bus, was a pretty girl. I could observe a whole set of reactions taking place within me, like feeling an aspect of pride which made me want to impress her. It tried to manifest through my movements, a look, posture, my looks, what I was wearing, what I was doing.
At the same time though that pride also had its opposite — fear. Insecurity. So when showing off I also saw an insecurity about the way I looked, hairdo, presentation, the clothes do they look good and hint at status and money and the right social league?
Through situations like this I could see this triangle going on of pride and fear. Which like a ball in a pinball machine one can bounce in between. Starting to see these things within felt great actually, the food of self-knowledge. To uncover the workings of my psyche and functioning of the world.
Guidance in the Astral
At that time I also had multiple astral experiences related to pride. In one dream I, along with someone else, (who I felt represented my defect in the form of a second person in order for me to more easily recognize it) were both making a sacred symbol/gesture. But we did this with pride.
Someone else was also there, a spiritual being known to me, he was — “not impressed” :D. I got told for the foolishness, because it was foolish. I was using something sacred to try to look good.
An interesting side note though is that when he was walking away my attention was drawn to a phenomenon happening to him and how he dealt with it, giving me a valuable lesson I needed at that time. So even though that spiritual being had something to say about me, and rightly so, he still gave me this teaching.
In another dream experience I was put into a situation that I was carrying out everyday, in this task though pride was also tagging along. The person I was trying to impress could see the prideful intention clearly from the get-go, I was also fully aware of it. So who was I fooling? The person just stayed silent after.
When it’s just this pride speaking it has an emptiness to it and I could feel how ‘lame’ it was. I was just wasting other people’s time. But the situation demonstrated I still had it.
These experiences were telling me to pay attention to pride. I took this very seriously and acted on it by making it a prominent focus in my work of self-discovery. As I studied and observed the manifestations I found that the insights I acquired on one level were a stepping stone to look even deeper.
Seeing How Pride Works
A pattern or mechanism that I saw was roughly as follows: I would do something, learn something, think of something, or an opportune situation would occur around me, or absolutely anything really. In those moments pride in the form of a thought and feeling came in seeing its chance.
So when that ego first recognized the occurrence, it would sketch a future scenario in my thoughts where I would be projecting my ‘achievement’ onto others, impressing them and getting that adoration back. That daydream then, being like the miniature of the scenario occurring in real life (albeit in this case only in the landscape of my head in the form of a fantasy), would evoke a pleasurable emotion.
In giving that pleasure to the emotional center though, it would also take energy from it, feeding itself and supporting that whole huge program and the goals of pride, keeping its hold in place and me bound to it. Furthermore I also noticed it strengthened the wanting to manifest that imagined scenario into real life in the future.
This process was happening continually, as if there was always an ever-lurking thief behind my back, looking to make use of anything happening to boast itself, to raise one’s position in a sub-society in order to fulfill its goals.
An Inner Tug of War
So I gained some knowledge about its workings. But what about wanting to give it up? There have been many instances that helped me in this regard, but I’ll mention two examples specifically.
One of the things I’ve been interested in is to make contact with extraterrestrial beings, and I’ve had some success in trying this which has always felt like a communication that is very special. At one point a friend and I researched, planned and prepared a rare one-off trip in order to go to see some crop circles.
There, the beautiful landscape of the area, the wonderment in finding the circles, seeing them with our own eyes, it all had an otherworldly quality to it. Being there in the crop circle, with the perfect conditions I tried a practice to send some telepathic messages into space. However I couldn’t continue, ulterior motives of pride were sabotaging my genuine efforts, sneaking in, tainting, diverting my energy.
My ugliness struck me, painfully revealing. This meant that even though the perfect circumstances were right there before me I had to let go of any attempts to make contact. I knew what was really important. I had to look inside, see, pray for help, and work to change.
At another time in a different scenario I was in a very deep and personal prayer. Mentally verbalizing exactly what my heart wanted to say. But even there! Pride tried to get into, to hijack it. Whispering in my ears such things as: “these prayers are beautiful, your knowledge is original, use this to impress your peers.” Then, I began to feel upset, since I realized pride was taking away from my experience and adulterating my most precious thing — the moments of connection to the spiritual and divine.
Time to Change
These are only some aspects, and I’d love to say so much more and yet there’s still so much more to learn. But the point of it all is that I saw that practising Belsebuub’s
techniques gave me the means to explore myself, my inner workings and life, and to change permanently.
“Self-knowledge is all-encompassing, and leads to knowledge of the fabric of life, death, and creation itself.” — Belsebuub, Self-Knowledge for Spiritual Awakening