I had been attending a spiritual retreat where the focus was on gaining inner peace based on Belsebuub’s works. The settings were perfect for it, a beautiful forest at our doorsteps, daily lovely walks in nature, and plenty of opportunities for meditation practices.
I was using this time to hone my self-remembrance skills about being aware and be in self-observation during the day, and to apply the elimination of egos as explained by Belsebuub.
As I did that, after a few days, I recognized and could see within myself a common string of thoughts and recurring patterns in them – mainly about “worries” covering so many aspects of my life: worry to do things wrong, worry to being late and so on.
This worry had a sinking feeling to it, one that was quite unpleasant, heavy and really not a nice way to be or live-in. Not only that, as I also did some retrospective meditation, I could see how it had plagued me and followed me in so many things I’ve done in my life. It felt like it gave a certain flavor to my actions, my thoughts and even to my movements.
Observing a Worry
One day, as I was getting ready to help out with some light kitchen work, another retreat attendee needed someone to talk to. As we got to talk, time started to pass by and as it did, I started to feel my ‘usual worries’ coming to the surface: worry of being late, worrying of letting others down and so on..
A feeling of rush came pouring in – my worry had taken over. I could feel the change within me had taken place. I was no longer giving my full attention to my friend, thoughts of worry instead took over my mind. And as time continued to pass, I had to let my friend know that we’d need to continue the conversation later on but did so in a quite brusque manner unfortunately. My worries had become too important, and the result was lack of care for the situation at hand.
I then rushed out toward the kitchen to arrive later than I had planned and saw others actively yet calmly getting things ready for the midday meal.
I could sense that my inner states felt at odds with the rest of the people present, whether or not others could feel it I was not sure, but I surely could. People were talking, moving about, laughing and enjoying themselves. Yet internally, I felt like the energy I was bringing in was a disturbance in the room.
At the time, all I was able to do was to observe what was going within me, to feel the sinking feeling in my stomach area, even down to my rushing and brusque body movements. Then I started to observe my thoughts.
It was all worry-based – feeling that I was failing at helping out, then that I was bringing this heavy emotion in the room.
As I was washing up the dishes, my thoughts started to shift to put the blame on my friend for I thought that they had delayed me and of course it ‘had to be’ their fault. Then thoughts started to go instead toward the other people in the room. And of course, ‘they’ must be thinking I was trying to avoid my kitchen work.
What I was observing was like seeing an image of me that was sending all these negative thoughts toward myself and toward others, arguing with imaginary people in my mind, bringing up excuses, blaming others for how I was feeling, creating scenarios in my mind of confrontations, of explaining myself why I was late and so forth.
Truly, it was ugly, really ugly to hear and have these thoughts, not only that it was also draining and horrible. But these thoughts were having the time of their lives, churning away and bringing me lower with them.
Defeating a Worry
Somehow, as I observed them go through my mind, something within me felt that it did not have to be this way, but while I was observing it all, I realized that I was still not doing anything about it. That’s when I started to remember why I was here for, self-knowledge and remembered the technique of elimination of the egos which I had just recently learned, so I started to ask for help and to eliminate all of these negative things that I was seeing and feeling.
As I did that, a certain detachment from the thoughts started to come through – I could see that it was like they had a life of their own and that they were at odds with my consciousness who was observing it happening.
I no longer wanted to let it continue to pour this negativity and send it toward others, polluting the energies of the room, polluting my own energies and draining me.
I asked and prayed over and over to my Divine Mother for the elimination of the egos (from thoughts to emotions) as I saw them, then I’d focus on my senses, trying to really be there, feeling the soap, the sponge, the plates, the water, all the while keeping on observing myself inwardly as well.
The heavy emotions and thoughts would still come up, so I would ask for their elimination and go back again to my senses, while focusing on my surroundings and what I was actually doing — seeing the rainbows in the soapy suds, feeling the sponge under my fingers, hearing people talking, feeling myself standing against the bench, smelling the various aromas that were coming from the food being laid out.
Finding Inner Peace
I repeated this over and over, and each time, I felt a bit lighter, freer, happier. Then all of a sudden, all those negative things were gone. I was clear – I no longer felt this heavy emotion in my stomach, I no longer had these heavy thoughts.
It was like I was completely free of all that negativity. I was there in the room standing, washing dishes, yet everything had a distinct clearness and clarity to it that I had never in my life before experienced. It felt like I could perceive everything, both within and outside of me.
It was not like I was in a state of overjoy, nor was it dull – it just felt as real as everything could be – there was a sense of detachment yet at the same time a feeling of wholeness, it was me and everything, but still me, and it was like this calming sensation within me. I was in peace, and a peace like I never ever had felt beforehand.
It did not feel like everything was amazing, but more like everything was – this peace did not make feel things better or worse, it was more like I felt a strength and objectivity toward what was around me and within me that felt unshakable – it was like I was in this cocoon of inner silence, of inner peace, of inner love.
And it was a wonderful state to be in! It was really an amazing state to be in, so different to everything I was so used to be in and had lived my life for as long as I could remember..
It was like there was no ‘after-taste’ to anything – I was no longer labeling things in my mind, I was no longer trying to explain, justify or give reasons or objections to my thoughts. All of that was gone. I was just left with a connection to my consciousness that felt whole and direct.
The closest I could describe it, was like the state I’ve experienced in some of my astral experiences, when complete clarity takes place, yet here I was in the physical, being able to experience this connection to my consciousness, to just be, existing.
This experience did not last long, yet it also felt timeless – it was like truly the moment had an eternal quality to it, like how it feels to be in the astral, where time is no more, yet activities exist, feelings exists, thoughts exists, and I exist.
As I started to analyse what was happening mentally, I also started to feel within me like an echo of thoughts and feelings. It was like as if it was coming from far away, yet it was rushing toward me like an unstoppable river – I could tell they were my egos coming back, getting access back to my mind, to my feelings, to my emotions – it was strangely feeling like being taken over, and it was really ‘captivating’ (for lack of a better word) in a way to feel and observe that process happening.
I did not want the ugliness of the egos, the sounds of so many voices, the energies that came with them coming back to me but it felt like I had no choice. A part within me though could feel that there was this possibility one day to be free of them and perhaps it felt like I had been given a taste of it, of what may be possible, but in that moment, I knew all I could do was seeing it happen.
An Insight Gained
This experience really showed me how I I could live and experience life without the egos, and how they tend to put on various ‘lenses’ in front of my eyes, especially of that worry – how they can label things and see the world as they see fit, and as a result be incredibly draining.
It was an incredible help to receive such pure inner peace. It gave me the understanding that consciousness is so much better to live life through, that inner peace really is worth striving for, and how it can be achieved in every day and the menial tasks that I do, not just in a sit-down practice or an astral experience.