One powerful experience I had after coming across Belsebuub’s work was doing the practice of meditation on an ego. It was during a period when I had spotted a side of me which was poisoning my daily life and was making me unhappy. I decided to collect as much information about this part of me as possible in order to form a picture of the ego and then later go deeper into it through meditation.
Initially, I was surprised by the amount of small and bigger events I found in the day. These ego manifestations were almost everywhere. In whatever I did, they were putting a finishing touch or determining my decisions.
After a certain period of inner study, I met a huge resistance from myself to continue on searching. My initial enthusiasm was not enough to help me overcome the resistance I felt. It was a time I didn’t want to observe and feel myself. Probably because what I was seeing within myself was too unbearable to be faced.
After that, any practice of analysis through meditation became increasingly unyielding and didn’t reach the point of asking for the defect to be removed, which was always the ultimate aim and final part of the practice. Then, it was like I accepted my defeat and I stopped trying to go deeper. It was a side of me that prevented me from getting as much information as possible before I could ask for its elimination.
Around the same time, I went on a retreat with some friends; I wanted to use a special room for practices that was set up. Doing the meditation on an ego practice, I found again the strength to look back on this defect. What followed was staggering.
In no time at all, all the memories of what I had learned about this ego came to my mind, fast and stormy. I could see and feel all of the images and flavors of that ego so strongly that I almost felt ill, so I turned to pray to the spiritual part within me. Turning my sight like that caused a powerful feeling to happen inside of me. I felt crumbled and pieces of me scattered. At the same time, I started sobbing like a lamentation. And after that a great silence.
Getting out from the practice room I felt so light, so nice and peaceful that I wished it could last for ever. I remember at the corridor I met a friend who was sick the day before and I made a sort of comment when he was passing by. A bit later this friend came back to me to thank me because of how much this comment touched him. I don’t know what happened but I know it has always been one of my favorite practices that seem to have affected elements inside and outside of me.
Overall, it was a redemptive experience that I’m grateful for happening. As I continue practicing the meditation on an ego, the exercise is different, better and more valuable each time. The last part of the practice is always special and I think makes this particular meditation unique compared to other kinds of meditation practices. It really is a blessing to have come across this practice from Belsebuub and see how I can change myself in such a profound and personal way.