About six or seven months after having first heard of the exercises of awareness of the present moment and self-observation from Belsebuub’s courses, I went on a weekend retreat about two hours outside the city with some friends in order to look into how we could improve with it.
On the last day of the weekend while taking a walk through nature (on the Bruce Trail) to try to be aware, about five minutes into the walk, all of a sudden, I began to feel very light. Instead of this heaviness that I was so used to, something different took over, and it felt almost as if I was gliding along the path. The colors became so vibrant, the smells so distinct, and the sounds of the forest so crisp that it seemed I could hear every single leaf rustling in the wind. Everything sort of clicked into place and slowed down, whereby I could watch the moment unfolding with my five senses in unison. It was almost indescribable, a really amazing feeling.
I had been making lots of attempts to be in the present moment continuously whenever I could remember to throughout the weekend, but then, when I finally got to this natural inner state of awareness, even for those brief two minutes, it was truly one of the greatest feelings I’d ever had.
When I first heard about awareness and self-observation, I thought it would be boring to simply observe what is around me and within me, to not be thinking of anything that is going to happen in the future or thinking of things that have happened in the past. And that whole weekend was no different—those types of thoughts kept coming up and taking me away from the practice much of the time.
I knew that these thoughts were simply obstructions though. I saw how my mind was trying to occupy itself, not wanting to put in the effort that the awareness required and keeping me from gaining the results of doing it properly.
On that walk when I tapped into the feeling of awareness, I experienced how wonderful it is not to be burdened by worries, negative thoughts, etc. but instead to actually hear, see, and really feel what was truly happening around me. It was quite a revelation to just peacefully observe the forest and feel myself walking through it.
Although I had read what Belsebuub had written about how to be aware before, as well as other people’s experiences of doing it, finally getting it right actually showed and confirmed how it could be possible to be happy and at peace no matter what it is that I had to do in any given moment of any given day, if I could only bring myself to really be in the moment. And at the same time, being in the moment allowed me to see all the things going on within me, uncovering the causes of my thoughts, feelings, and actions, and seeing how they took me on their own tangents, for example into daydreams and heavy emotions that would then color how I perceived the world and acted within it.
As soon as I got back to the city, I made attempts to keep the awareness going every day. I found that even when practicing it with something as simple as walking down the street, instead of going along with the thoughts that like to be negative, that tell you that you are bored, or remind you of all the things that you have to get done, I could become aware of myself walking, everything that is happening around me, and choose not to go along with those things inside that would otherwise keep me stuck within them. I realized that whenever I got the awareness right, I began learning how to live “in the moment.”
I can relate to your experience of feeling very light and of “gliding” along a walk Jordan. I feel that this happens when I decide to let go of everything and just concentrate on the feeling of being alive in my body. On the other hand, I can also relate to the thoughts of – this awareness will be boring etc. Nowadays I feel that being in the present moment is the most interesting thing ever if I only can let go of the mundanities in life more often..
Great experience Jordan and I can relate to what you explained and shared, its like seeing the world and life in full colour, which we just miss when we’re day dreaming, or in worries or thoughts.
It’s funny how 3D glasses, movies etc have grown to be such a craze when the natural state of awareness, our own built in conscious perception, can be so vivid and alive.
Not long after I had found Belsebuub’s work I went on constant walks with the aim of experiencing awareness. On one of these walks a friend joined me and I explained to him the practice of awareness. As we were trying it out, very quickly he told me the same thing that you said, that it’s boring to be aware. I felt very sad for him because there was nothing that I could say to encourage him to try it and gain an actual experience of it.
On a personal note it’s good to be reminded how quickly awareness can be reached. I can see in myself tendency to think that it takes a lot of time to break through the mind and that this causes a resistance. But like you wrote, and Lucia in her post ‘My Battle for Inner Peace’, moments of awareness come spontaneously, and all we need to do is keep trying.
“On a personal note it’s good to be reminded how quickly awareness can be reached.” — I remember in the beginning when I first learned about awareness also feeling like it takes time to prepare. Like I need to go for a walk, or sit down and clear my thoughts for a while before reaching some level of internal clarity in the day, and so on. Meanwhile, it’s like, ok, those things are great tools sometimes, but reaching awareness can also be very simple and not require a “step1…”, “prep state”, etc. I found it’s possible to reach instantly by tuning into while living life.
Yes, this attitude is something very damaging to getting breakthroughs, which is what the inner work is about.
I know what you mean Jenny, its simple if we can just relax into it and experience it in a more natural living way than trying to construct it or reconstruct a previous experience of it.
I find it can seem elusive or difficult to get to because I’m ‘thinking’ about being aware, instead of just being aware without imposing what it should or shouldn’t be like. One of the most uplifting experience I had was on a retreat similar to Jordan, when we were out on a walk to learn about being aware, and I found that the more I relaxed into just being there and being alive in the moment, the natural state of awareness was really natural, simple and energising to experience. I could see how complicated I had been making it and why as well.
That seems like a very nice moment where the curtain lifted Jordan, breaking through into that simplicity.
I also felt you described the almost natural consequence to external awareness, self observation, nicely. “And at the same time, being in the moment allowed me to see all the things going on within me, uncovering the causes of my thoughts, feelings, and actions,..”
I too have felt this and can relate to your article. It is so refreshing to have this type of experience as without it, I feel that the mind would just continue churning over ‘useless stuff’, thinking about nothing. To find an ‘off button’ or ‘mute’ is worth the effort, when quieting the mind.
I can understand what you mean. It’s a nice feeling to be here and now, recognizing any single thought and feeling. You also feel strong and sovereign of yourself.
Your experience “The colors became so vibrant, the smells so distinct, and the sounds of the forest so crisp that it seemed I could hear every single leaf rustling in the wind.” looks magical.
What a great experience you had in the forest by putting those solid efforts. I really like that perception you described of hearing the rustling of every leaf. What clarity!
And it’s great to hear you touch on what most of us have thought, at least at some point: that awareness is boring. Until we really feel it and know what it is, it’s almost inconceivable that simply being conscious, without thoughts or ordinary emotions, can be so blissful.
Hi Jordan, I can relate a lot to the thoughts of awareness and self-observation being boring when starting out. I took me a while to get beyond that and found it’s related to a lack of experience of what it really feels like to be aware and clear. Once I did break through and had a point of reference, it’s easier and I want to have these moments again and again. They are indeed special almost magical as you described and very much worth it.